Friday, May 29, 2009


I have been to two graduations this year. If you have been to one high school graduation you have been to them all. Here are some pointers for those who would listen about how to spice things up and make things less boring.

1. Hire a bonafide Master of Ceremonies. A Tom Bergeron type that would keep things moving with witty jokes and tasteful asides. Break up the monotony by showing people getting hit in the crotch by kids swinging at pinatas. And for the love of all that is holy keep the principal away from the mic. They may put the "pal" in principal but they should never speak in public. Ever.

2. Sure let the Valedictorians and Salutatorians speak. They have earned the right to bore everyone to tears because they are so smart. But also let one of the stoners have about 4 minutes to say what high school meant to him. Let the guy who finished last in the class provide a fitting bookend to the egg head at the head of the class. Let the class pick one person they would like to give a speech.

3. Let the Happy Hands Club give a presentation.

4. Instead of speeches let the smart ones do a dance.

5. When you are reading out the list of people who have gotten scholarships try to be a little more sensitive. For example: One girl last night got several scholarship offers from really good schools (Georgetown being the one I remember) totalling over $200,000. The next girl they called out got $250 from the Masons because her grandfather was the Grand Poobah of the lodge or something like that.

6. Avoid cliches.
-These were the best days of our lives. Maybe for you but other people sitting behind you spent a lot of time dreading coming to school and would like nothing better than to see the school and everyone in it swallowed up by a deep, burning hole straight from hell.
-The world is ours for the taking. Maybe, but probably not. The most likely scenario is the world is going to leave more tire treads on you than you are going to leave on it.
-We have a unique opportunity to change the world. This would be true if there weren't millions of other students with the same opportunity at this exact moment.
-The class of 2009 will always be remembered. Nope. Probably not. They don't remember the class of 1992 and they won't remember the class of 2009. Unless you were the class that caught the school on fire and ran a Meth ring. Or cured cancer.

7. Don't tell people not to applaud until everyone has received their diploma. No one will listen to you because you can't suspend them or give them detention.

8. If you are a student and you have to give a speech make sure you don't sound like any of these people.

One of these guys would be a lot funnier.

There are probably other things that could spruce things up a bit. What do you think?


Jamie said...

This was pure wisdom. You must have graduated from a fancy high school.


Joseph said...

At least I graduated with people that aren't caucasian.

Jamie said...

Touche. My college diversity made up for it. I was a minority.

Margo Redding said...

ha ha ha ha....I'm still laughing!