Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Reasons why I think I'm on the way to being an old fart.

I used to think it would never happen to me. I remember thinking Bill (my father) was an old fart when I was 15. And that wasn't teen angst speaking. He really was an old fart then. He would look at what I was wearing and I could see the scorn in his face. "How could anyone be so out of touch with what is really going on in the world?" I would ask myself.  I had seen pictures of him when he was younger posed next to his airplane.  He has the scars that prove he has lived an interesting life.  He walked away from a crash with an altimeter knob buried in his knee.  He has a small jar filled with stuff that he has pulled out of his body; altimeter knob and a piece of glass that was in his arm for 50 years from a car crash that claimed the lives of his front teeth.  "This is the only thing left of that '50 Ford." he said with some satisfaction.  The crash happened when he was 16.  He dug the glass out of his arm when he was in his 60's.  The only thing I have that comes close is a kidney stone I passed in the shower.  I don't think this even compares.  And yet as cool as all of these things are he still was an old fart to me when I was 15.  This could never happen to me.

I was wrong.

Here are some reasons why I believe I am well on my way to being an old fart.

1. I don't listen to Pop stations anymore.  Why?  Because it is mostly soulless and pointless.  I need to keep in mind the fact that when I was 15 my main dream in life was to be a keyboard player in a hair metal band.  Like this one.

In my defense I have to say that "California Girls" by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dog is currently stuck on repeat in my brain as I type this indictment.

2. I loathe skinny jeans.  On guys.  On girls.  On mannequins.  Jesse Crowe's nephew was wearing a pair of these and Jesse asked him if they sold guy's pants where he bought those.  Keep in mind I looked like this when I was 15.

I also think khaki goes with everything.

3. My car is nothing more than transportation.  When I was 16 a car was the ultimate expression of the man.  Keep in mind this was my first car.

My current ride is a 1994 Honda Civic that looks like Tom Hanks near the end of "Philadelphia".

It also has no front bumper.  I do not feel the need to replace it at this time.

4. I think this hair cut is ridiculous. 

I have told my students at Westwood to look at the haircuts they have now.  I guaranteed them they would look back on it and wonder what they were thinking when they are 30.  Keep in mind this is the way I looked when I was 15.

5. I have a seat at church I think of as mine.
6. I hurt most of the time for no reason I can currently discern.
7. I have for the most part given up daily grooming.  I trim my beard only when it starts going in my mouth when I eat.

8. I have used the phrase "When I was your age..." more than once.  And I did not use it to be funny.  When I was your age we had cassette tapes and we liked it.  When I was your age Taco Bell was good.  When I was your age I had to call people when I got home.  When I was your age I talked to people, I didn't text people.
9. I don't text people.
10. I get angry when people don't vote.
11. I talk to the TV news when they are talking about stupid things.

There are probably many other things that you could add to the list.  Feel free.  I only ask one thing.  If you are going to insult me you have to click on an add on this blog.  The Blog-O-Log is going to pay for the new NCAA 2011 game coming out in July.

At least I do not get angry when kids are on my lawn.  Not yet at least.

Friday, June 25, 2010

List of stars without makeup

I recently did this little bit on a Wednesday for the kiddos at Westwood.  Yeah this was driven by purpose.

This is the lovely Jessica Alba with makeup.

This is her without makeup.  Still lovely.

Jennifer Anniston with.

Jennifer Anniston without.  Still pretty but....

Eva Longoria with...

Eva Longoria with out....Is that a mustache?

Sarah Jessica Parker with...

Sarah Jessica Parker without...

This is actually Ann Coulter with a horse face.  But I thought it was the best.  Shawn Stinson and I went to see Iron Man 2 several weeks ago and I saw the Poster for SATC II and said, "Cool.  A Mr. Ed remake is on the way!!"  Shawnie thought it was mean.

Madonna with...

Madonna without....

Lady Gaga with...

Lady Gaga without...

And last but not least Lady Gaga in the future @ 60 years old...

Here's to hoping you have a wonderful Friday.

Monday, June 21, 2010

I'm a Guest Blogger.

I wrote a guest blog for http://www.jamiebg.blogspot.com/
I normally don't endorse political blogs.  And when I say political I mean blogs about baking and taking naps.

Blog is about my favorite thing.  Check it out.  Then come back to my blog.


P.S.  Next up on the guest blogging docket.  Perez Hilton.  Hey, it could happen.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I hate Soccer.

That's it.  I hate it.  Here are some reasons.

1.  Their hair.

2.  Those stupid horns that keep going.
3.  1-0 barn burners.
4.  I hate that not enough guys get their cojones kicked.  You would think the dudes playing would get kicked in the junk more.  But alas, no.

5.  This guy.

6.  There are people who get offended that Soccer is not he #1 sport in America.  They get mad when you do not like soccer. 

There are more reasons but this is a family blog.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

And we want to model their healthcare...

This is what it would look like if Ben Hamaker, Austin Cranford, and Randy Anderson were adults in the Czechoslovakia in the late 1970's and formed a polka band.

Ben is playing the...something.
Austin on lead vocals.
Randy is backup dancer/vocalist.

And they are not cursing.

This is the Banjo Band now.
See if you can guess which is Randy.

**If you don't know any of the people I am talking about just enjoy the video.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My Commencement Address.

I've never been asked to give one. I'll probably never be asked to give one. Unless of course I become a notable alumni by writing the Great American Novel. Then West Blocton would have to ask me back right?I have the opportunity to attend several graduations a year. They are invariably the same, year in and year out. It is almost as if there is a rule book for graduations. It also seems to me there is a separate book for valedictorian/salutatorian and commencement addresses. And they were written by the same person. Without fail they say the same things (We now start a new chapter in our lives...) quote the same poems (I stood in a wood...), and tell the same jokes (We never again have to do {insert teacher and project here}).
I told Kara that I should have given a speech at my graduation. She thought it was a horrible idea. But she also has a broken sense of humor. Here is what I might have said if I had been valedictorian.

"Fellow students, faculty, family, and friends; we are here to mark an end and a beginning. We have worked our whole lives for this one moment in time to finally leave the nest and make our profound marks on the world. Staring up at me from the seats in front are America's future. And to tell the truth it scares the crap out of me."

At this point I would make a grand show of picking up my speech, folding it, and throwing it behind me. I would then drive off the reservation, so to speak.

"Who am I kidding? We are not unique. We are not special. In ten years only a handful of us will be what we thought we would be when we grow up. And only a precious few of those will find any real joy in that. And there are hundreds of thousands of people just like us who think they are special. The very thought that one of you might become the President of the United States makes me want to have myself sterilized. In case you haven't noticed, to quote the great sage and wit Frank Constanza, "I got a lot of problems with you people!!"

Hey you! You're pretty now but eventually you are going to be as ugly as the rest of us.
And you! Picking on people and making them feel small and useless is not a marketable skill. I hope you work for me one day. If I could go back and change one thing it would be your face with a framing hammer.
And you! The car you are driving does not make you cool.
And you! Here's to hoping you have a trust fund to fall back on.
And you! Quit getting in the tanning bed. When you are 35 your skin will look 50. You are going to look like a bleach blond piece of beef jerky.
And you! Just because you are...."

At this point someone has killed the sound system and started the process of forcibly removing me from the stage.

You know what? Maybe Kara is right. I would have been a horrible (but memorable) commencement/valedictory speechifying person.

If you could have said one thing from the stage the night you graduated from high school what would it be?