Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I'm in a band. Crowe. We are the best band that 3-4 people have ever heard of. Jesse Crowe writes all of the songs. He is pretty good at it. He writes odd songs about God. They are pretty cool but it is highly unlikely that you will ever hear any of them on Christian radio. Or radio for that matter. But they are fun and they are true.

He wrote one about my great-great-grandfather Luther Hughes Kinnaird. Luther came to Alabama from Arkansas because he killed a man with a knife at a party. His father, William, put him on a horse and pointed him toward Alabama and relatives he had there. He told him never to come back and as far as I know he did not. By all accounts Luther was a very mean man. My great-grandfather Joseph William Kinnaird I (namesake of me and Billy Kinnaird) did not have good stories to tell my father about him. He killed one of his sons by pushing him down the stairs of the ancestral home in Bibb County. Walter (the son) was born with a club foot. Apparently this precluded him from working the fields with any degree of efficiency. Walter is buried in the family cemetary which is in the front yard of ancestral home. My father believes that the land is cursed because of the actions of Luther. There is still the taint of evil visited on future generations because of Luther. (It must be noted that my father is a big fan of Faulkner and Faulkner is big on sins being punished in future generations. But then again so is the Bible.)

Hearing these stories and thinking of other stories (my great-grandmother, Bertha, might have been a midwife that performed abortions way back in the day prompting her to become somewhat nutty in the other extreme about religion later on in her life) makes me wonder if all families have these types of skeletons in their closets or is it just the Kinnairds.

These stories do make me feel I might be more normal than I have been prone to think.

What kind of stories does your family have? At least the ones that you can tell because the statute of limitations has run out or the people involved are long dead.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Smile! It's Monday.

Smile. Because if you don't...well I don't know what to tell you.

Have we ever seen them in the same room?

This is for Ben. I happen to think this is the worst super hero ever. I have a ring. Instead of punching you in the face like any self-respecting super hero his stupid ring makes a fist and punches you. The fact that Ben and I argue this shows that we are both dorks of high standing. Ben's the bigger dork because he likes the Green Lantern.

I bet this dude left this room tasting cotton.

I like it that video game companies are beginning to promote the 1st person shooter to the female demographic.

Here's to hoping your Monday doesn't suck.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The BCV Bible.

I used to need the Bible to be like a cook book. If you follow the instructions, add ingredients, and cook just so at the right temperature a beautiful quiche comes out of the oven. If this is the Bible you are looking for you are in for disappointment.

I recently taught through a story about Jesus from Matthew 15:21-28. (Read it. Then blurt out the first response you have.) It pains me to say Jesus does not look too hot in this story. This is not the flannel board Jesus gathering the little children to him of Sunday School. Jesus here puts a lady through some unnecessary stuff. He ignores and insults her. I have to say I like the lady's moxie. She ignores his disciples and she ignores all the things he does to drive her away. Her daughter was possessed and this was her last hope. There was nothing else. This was desperate faith and it was rewarded. The story ends well.

But I have been haunted by Jesus in this. I have searched for explanations for his behavior. I have tried to find a defense for behavior that at every glance and every way is indefensible. What I end up with is a big bag of nothing and more questions. I'm at a place in my journey with God where that is OK. Here is a place where Jesus doesn't look too good. Another instance is the story of Job. God doesn't look too good here either. And yet I still try to follow. Faith is a funny thing. It is counter-intuitive. Intellect (and all the emotions that go with it) can only carry you a mile in your journey. Faith takes you the other million. The woman in the story was rewarded for her faith. Her daughter was healed because of her faith. I don't know how much she liked Jesus during those tense moments. There have been times I don't like God. But in the end she knew this was her only chance her daughter had for peace. She was not deterred.

Yeah, me too.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Worst. Videos. Ever.

These are probably some of the worst things I have ever seen. At least Sonseed could actually play and sing. Enjoy.

And this is good too. This lady will also try and sing at church and succeed. At singing at some church that is.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

20 Things I Miss.

Just a list of random things I miss. Random being the key word.
1. Mom.
2. Riding a bike for the sheer joy of it.
3. Being old enough to think that shows like The A-Team and Knight Rider were actually good.

4. Sleeping until after the sun comes up. Waking up before the sun is almost like never going to sleep in the first place.
5. Building forts.
6. Dates. Going to the movies. Going out to eat. Just two people talking about people things and not having to worry about one of the devil spawn throwing food at people.
7. Granny's cooking. Venison, gravy, biscuits, sliced tomato from the garden, sweet tea. Heaven.
8. More Abundant. Cheesy times. Good times.
9. Teaching DiscipleNow Weekends. Alas I am too old. But I was good at it.
10. Having at least 1 hour go by without something aching.
11. My first car. 1965 AMC Rambler.

12. My second car. 1978 Mazda GLC. Mine was orange. People at school called it the Pumpkin.

13. Hair metal. That is glorious.

14. Joe Boyd. One of the best friends ever.
15. College. I won the writing award for the English Department my last semester. This really ticked some of the eggheads off.

16. Seminary. Beeson Divinity School @ Samford University. Loved this place and I want to finish so bad. I need 30 hours.

17. Ranch Hand Fillet @ Chilis.
18. Garbage Pail Kids. These were so gross. I can't remember which one this was but it involved squeezing zits and it made my stomach turn over just to look at it.

19. Cheers. "Whatcha up to Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were 12 feet tall."

20. Being able to play with GI Joes for hours and hours. This is Rock n Roll. He was the 1st Joe my parents bought me.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Funny Question.

What follows is an exchange I had with one of my students at Sonic after church on Wednesday night.

Jake Wade: If you could marry a dude who would it be.

Me: Assuming that I'm a woman right?

JW: Yeah.

Me: (After a moments consideration) Bill Gates. I could learn to love him.

JW: Yeah. Me too. And Jessica Alba's twin brother.

Jake Wade is one unintentionally funny little dude.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Maybe there is a connection in these things...

To be completely honest I should have minored in English instead of double majoring (History was the other). I was never really that good at English. I thought since I liked to read then an English major would be right up my alley. Unfortunately college English is less about the story and more about whatever disenfranchised group can read into the story. Questions like How does the Marxist/Feminist tradition add to the tableau of criticism as it pertains to Old Yeller abound. If asked this I always wanted to say, "I just like readin'." I have always thought a story was first and foremost about what the storyteller was trying to say and not about what I wanted it to say.

Montevallo is where I first heard some cotton headed ninnymuggins say, "Just because it is true for you does not mean that it is true for me." Really Jack Kerouac? Let me set your goofy little hemp hat on fire and try to tell you that just because it hurts you doesn't really mean that it hurts. If all truth is subjective then put you self out with water that may or may not really be water if you don't believe in water. I heard this gem once. "There is no absolute truth." And she delivered this wisdom absolutely. Unintentional irony is the best.

I have been fascinated with Agnosticism lately. Here it is defined:

1. The doctrine that certainty about first principles or absolute truth is
unattainable and that only perceptual phenomena are objects of exact knowledge.
2. The belief that there can be no proof either that God exists or that God
does not exist. From the Internets.

Stephen Colbert said that Agnosticism is Atheism without...er...manparts. It is easier than Atheism. You can still believe in God you just don't really care to go beyond that. It might be handy the next time a Calvinist is trying to convert me to just say that I am Agnostic and don't really believe that I can prove any of this so I am not going to argue and continue to believe nothing. It seems to me as this is the laziest named philosophy I know of.

Did college challenge any of your preconceived notions of the world? Or was it simply an expensive trade school?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Society for Asking Stupid Questions

I am taking a short break from the stupid day I am having so far. My two cohorts here at Bagby called in sick today. Mark has shingles and Dan (my boss) is sick. While I hate it for them I hate it even more for me because I am selfish. I am the boss. Which would be cool if I were getting boss pay. Alas I am still getting parts monkey pay.

Which brings me to a short rant. I don't like being asked questions. I would prefer it if people would figure it out on their own, make up the answer that best suits their needs, or savor the freaking mystery.

Peace out. You guys are awesome. I'm outta here.

Monday, March 16, 2009

I can do this from MS Word because Shawn told me so.

This is the greatest thing that has ever happened. OK. Not really. But this is pretty cool. This will make it easier for me to ramble on. And on. And on. Ad nauseum.


Friday, March 13, 2009

Movies That Make Me Cry.

There are some people that like to cry. I asked Kara one time why she was crying. "I just want to cry." (Which is a very, very stupid Keith Urban song. I wish that Hank Williams would come back from the dead and beat Keith Urban with Nicole Kidman's fake face. That is not even a country song. And Keith Urban is from New Zealand. But I digress.)

"I just want to cry." Why would anyone want to cry? I hate the way it makes your throat and eyes feel. Crying makes your face wet and when you have a beard this is not entirely pleasant. I don't like crying so I try not to.
However there are movies that make me cry every time I watch them. Every time. There are at least two that make me mist up just thinking about them. I am going to rank these in order descending.
7. Titanic. The final scene where all of the people that died on the boat or in the sea or under the smoke stack in the sea. This is the place where I normally cry. Every time. Jack is not in his tux. He is in the clothes she met him in. Very good payoff at the end of a very long movie.

6. My Life. Nicole Kidman (before she looked like the Joker) and Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton is dying of cancer. Nicole Kidman is having his baby. He makes a tape of his life so his child will know him. He dies and I cry every time.

5. Saving Private Ryan. I am amazed at the things these men went through. I could not leave the theatre for 10 minutes because I was still crying. Exhausting movie.

4. Old Yeller/Where the Red Fern Grows. You could lump these movies in with others of the same ilk. I call these "Movies where the dog dies at the end." I saw both of these movies and read both of these books. I cried like a little girl at Titanic both times. I remember when Phoebe on Friends finally saw how Old Yeller ended. This is what I was thinking. The boy had to kill his own dog. I hope that my boys never have to make that decision with me. I just hope they keep me in my cage until such time as they can release me back into the wild. These are movies I can mist up just thinking about.

3. Finding Nemo. I do not think that Pixar can make a bad movie. This one is the best. I have small children and get to see these movies over and over again. When it becomes clear that Marlin will do whatever it takes to find his son it makes me think of the love that I have for my boys. I would cross whatever needed crossing to see them found. This also makes me appreciative of the love that God has for me. He was not content to sit and let me find myself. He found me. This makes me happy. See what a good movie this is.

2. Stand By Me. These guys remind me of the friends I had when I was a kid. Just around that age too. While we didn't go out on a trek to find a dead body we did discuss the themes they had. I even fancied myself a writer back then. This was also a fantastic novella by Stephen King called The Body. It is almost exactly like the movie. The movie ends with Richard Dreyfus typing these words as he makes his own boy wait to go swimming. "I've never had friends like I had when I was 10. Jesus, does anyone?"

1. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Without a doubt the best movie in the Star Trek franchise. Also the best movie that Ricardo Montalban has been in. He died recently. This made me sad. This movie makes me cry every time because Spock dies in the end of the movie. I know that the words "good acting" and "William Shatner" rarely get uttered in the same sentence the scene where Spock is dying in the reactor room in engineering was good acting by William Shatner. When Spock gets up after having been irradiated and even though he is dying he stands up and straightens his uniform before he turns to face his captain.

Two lines stand out for me.
Spock (to Kirk) "I have been and shall always be your friend."
Kirk (as he speaks at the funeral just before they shoot Spock's body in a torpedo tube down to the newly created Genesis planet) about his friend Spock "Of all of the souls I have known, his is the most....(voice cracking) human."

And as the torpedo tube is going down the chute before it is launched Scotty is playing Amazing Grace on the freaking bagpipes which crescendos into a full orchestra as the tube races towards the planet. And to top it all off the final scene where Kirk would normally do the "Space. The final frontier speech." it is Spock delivering these lines. My dad took me to see this movie when it came out. I was in the 2nd grade. I was inconsolable after the movie and even when it comes on the Sci-Fi channel now I cry at the end of the movie. Every freaking time. Every. Freaking. Time.
So these are the movies that make me cry every time. And I hate to cry. What are some of yours and why?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

This dude's name is Awesome McAwesomestein.

Who hasn't wanted to do this when talking about an X-Box?

This is really good when you watch it with good friends who love you.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I have not had that many jobs. Work is something I have to do in order to eat and feed the family. It is not something I have to do to give me a sense of worth. If I did not have to work I wouldn't. I know people who are defined as a person by what they do for a living. They don't feel complete unless they are doing some type of work. These types of people have pretty yards which require a lot of work. They say it relaxes them. I try to imagine myself "relaxing" sweating in the front yard, slapping mosquitoes from the back of my neck, and planting things that are just going to die anyway not matter how well they are cared for. This sounds insane to me. Thanks but no thanks.

Having said all of this I realized that I have not had that many jobs. Here is the most recent list of things that I have done for money (where taxes have been deducted). I do not count selling crack back in the 6th grade.

1. Fry cook @ the Iron Skillet Resturant (Truck Stop) in Bucksville. They let me go when they realized that I could not work past 10:00 PM since I was in school. The manager had a tremendous realization of his own importance in the grand scheme of things. Without him the world spin off its axis all life would end. That is how important it was for me to make sure food was kept at 180 degrees. Fantastic job.

2. Bag boy @ Food Giant in Bessemer. Had to wear a white short sleeve button up shirt with a black bow tie. The bow tie did more to draw attention to my long skinny neck than the mullet could have ever dared. I was thinking about going on break when I looked down aisle 4 and saw a kid yarking up Cheerios and Beanie Weanies all over the canned goods. I immediately went on break and Mark Lee had to clean up the mess. I lasted 6 weeks because I worked 6 weeks without have a Friday or Saturday night off. This is unacceptable since I have always been a social butterfly. So I just didn't show up. It seemed easier than calling in and getting fired. Turned out it was. This is the only job I have been fired from.

3. Pianist @ Sonrise Church in McCalla. Started when I was 19. Left the church 11 years later. Great job. Eventually started working with the students (all three of them, 2 brothers and their cousin). Did that for 7 years. The worship leader when I started was almost as bad a leader as I was a pianist. If you didn't know this was Shawn Stinson. His car smelled like cheeseburgers back then too.

4. Movie Gallery in Bessemer. Had this job for 9 months during years 4 and 5 of my undergraduate career. I really enjoyed this job. It paid nothing however. One of the things that I hated about the job was corporate. This is the only job I have ever had where anything remotely resembling "corporate" was part of the gig. They would send little posters that were required to be hung in the break room. They were for motivation. Pithy little sayings that someone who got paid a lot more than I did would come up with to motivate all us little people. I really hated those posters. Crap like "Do the best you can do and it will be the best you can do." I would have preferred something like "If you do the best job you can do it will make us more money. You however will continue making $5.25 and hour. If you're lucky." At least this would have been honest. You see, I am a self motivator. Which is a nice way of saying that you cannot motivate me. Speeches and sayings and sing-a-longs don't cut it. You can motivate me either positively (more money) or negatively (less money or fired). At least I did not have to wear a bow tie.

5. Kinnaird Drilling and Pump. I did this for 4 years. During this time I added about 25 lbs. I would like to think that at least 15 of that was muscle. You may be thinking this is the type of job that is ill-suited to History majors and poetic souls. And you would be right. Sometimes I really liked this job. But there aren't many hotter jobs when it is hot. Or colder jobs when it is cold. There is an old saying about a well diggers butt in January. I had that butt for 4 Januarys and it was cold indeed. A lot of the old well diggers that I would meet were missing fingers. Several fingers. But at least they were poor. Wait a minute.

6. Southern Company Services Non Destructive Examination Unit. I did this for about 4 months. This was designed as temporary employment. There were a couple of weeks that I worked 90 hours. The money was good but I have never worked in a place as spiritually toxic as this. Without going into detail I felt good about leaving that place and shaking the dust off my workboots as I went. Dust and asbestos.

7. Bagby Elevator. Purchasing. I have been working here nearly 4 years. Great place to work. Good people. I buy parts for elevator mechanics. Did you know an elevator mechanic makes $39.50 per hour after he has been in the trade for a few years. Time and a half overtime. Double time on Saturdays. Triple time on holidays. We are talking nearly doctor money. People have asked me why I don't get in the trade. Because a lot of those guys are miserable. two guys that are near my age have recently gone through horrific divorces. It can take a toll on things. Money is not worth it. Money should not be the only thing motivating what you do for a living. Money cannot buy peace.

8. Sonrise Church/Westwood Baptist Church. Student minister. 12 years. I was amazed after I typed this number. I have had the opportunity to marry 2 students that have gone through my ministry. I would do this job for free. If I had to pay to do this job I would pay. I really hope that Kara doesn't read this. People would say that teenagers are different now than they used to be. I have not seen that much of a difference in the things that matter in 12 years. granted they look different but they want the same things out of life. They want to be accepted and they want an identity of their own, separate from their parents and family. Love the job that I have now. Sure I go to church with crazy people. Who doesn't? But even some of the crazy ones love me and support me.

You know what? I have had a lot of jobs. Youch! Who would even hire such an aimless vagabond? Don't tell anyone.

Friday, March 6, 2009

God don't make junk.

God don't make junk. I think that the Psalmist says something like fearfully and wonderfully made. Either way it is the same thing. I am a hairy person. There are people that encourage me to shave my arms, arm pits, and back. They ask why I don't. The answer is simple really. I'm a dude. I don't wear tank tops.

Don't think that women should color their hair. Gray hair is cool. If you are coloring your hair you are kowtowing to male expectations of femininity (you know who you are). God don't make junk.

That being said here are some people God made just fine and thought they might improve on the original. These people have not been served well by their doctors.

I find it amazing that Carrot Top found a surgeon that removed chromosomes also.

I would like to think that Meg would have grown old gracefully. Like Audrey Hepburn. Now she can't fly in a pressurized airliner because her lips would explode.

This disturbs me a little because if I worked at it just a little I could look like Kenny. Is this what I would look like if my face were stretched back over my skull. In the earlier picture of Kenny don't I see the top of Sarah Jessica Parker's head?

Ahh. There she is.

May it is just me but I thought that she was cute in "Square Pegs".

I could not believe the first time that I saw this guy after going under the knife (or was it a hammer?). Doctors should be held accountable for doing this to people who are clearly crazy.

I have always been partial to redheads. Now one of the most beautiful people of the planet is blond and she looks sort of like the Joker. I guess being married to Tom Cruise for that long will change anyone.

Only in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman. There was a span for a few years when he was the epitome of cool. Thriller is still one of the best albums ever.

Here's to hoping the all of you age well. And if you aren't aging well then hopefully you can at least age gracefully. And if you can't age gracefully I hope you don't have the money to do this to yourself. If you want to waste money then give it to me and you can come over to the house every day and I will tell you how pretty you desperately want to be.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Girl in the Window.

Just read a very long article. Very long. Found it on AOL and was referred to here (http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article750838.ece) for the full article. The adoptive parents of this little girl were on Oprah. I hope this is the last time I mention Oprah on this blog, but I doubt it.

If you get a chance look at this article. Depravity and mercy play out in this article. Sometimes the system works and sometimes it doesn't. You see instances of both here.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I listened in on an interesting conversation last night at the funeral home. Two people were behind me in line. Apparently they had gone to high school together and hadn't seen each other in a while. They were talking about other people they used to go to school with. You know the conversation.

"Have you seen ______________?"
"He looks really good."
"His hair is gray and he keeps it short."

They were talking about this dude that I assume was athletic in high school. I also assume he was a turd. The guy was saying that the jock in question kept asking about people but was not interested in getting in touch with any of them. Apparently he was ashamed of the way he treated people. He would not even go on the Ning site for their old high school. I think they called this guy Ace.

This got me a thinkin'. This dude had obviously changed enough to regret the turd he had been. How much have I changed? I've gained at least the little Jonas brother since 1992. The red beard that I was so proud to have in high school is going white. Time comes after us all. I am not talking about physical change. Have I changed as a person? I don't really think that I have. I ask those of you that have known me for a while, "Have I changed much other than getting prettier?"

Then I wondered if there were people that I would be ashamed to see because I was a turd. Shame makes me say yes. There are people that I made feel like they were less than because I was not always nice. There is at least one guy that could walk up to me all these many years later and punch me in the face and I would step back and say, "Yep, I had that coming." Are there any of those people in your past? People that you would be ashamed to see?

I would like to think I was a good dude who was a turd from time to time. I unfortunately went to school with some people that were turds and could be good from time to time. I would like to think at least one of them is really, really rich and is feeling the compunction to give a million dollars to people they have wronged. Then I will go and buy the people that I was mean to a nice steak dinner at The Golden Corral. I don't feel that bad about it.