Thursday, February 12, 2009

Movies I Hate

I am getting old. Part of being old is I have opinions and have the uncontrollable urge to share them. not just any opinions but opinions about things that I do not like. I think that the older I get the more that my opinions matter. Why? Because I am paying into the social security trust fund knowing that it will not be there for me. That may not matter to any of you but it matters to me and I am old.

My friend Jamie likes to post about things that she likes. She does this weekly. You should read her blog ( Actually all of you that read this read hers but it makes me feel more important to write like I actually have an audience. I thought I might blog semi-regularly about things that I don't like. Or things that I am not currently enjoying. Feel free to agree (and be right) or disagree (and be wrong).

Anyway. Here are some movies that I hate.

Million Dollar Baby
Not that this is a bad movie. It is a great movie. It is just the most depressing thing I have ever watched. Ever. I watched it on HBO when Billy was really little and he was up late. He was asleep in my arms as the movie ended. I took him to his crib, put him down, looked at my son and cried for 30 minutes. I wondered if I would ever be happy again. When you finish a movie and wonder deep down if God might hate the world it is a movie that you can do without.

Mars Attacks.
Jack Nicholson. Annete Benning. Michael J. Fox. Sarah Jessica Parker. Danny DeVito. Jim Brown. Tim Burton directed it. How could this go wrong? I went to see this pile in the theatres and was angry that I stayed the whole time. That is 8 hours of my life I will never get back. Ever.

Dumb and Dumberer
When the only thing good you can say about a movie is, "Bob Saget is the funniest thing in it." then you have a craptacular movie. I needed this movie to be good. Or at least 1/2 as good as Dumb and Dumber (which is the greatest movie about friendship and Turbo-Lax ever produced by American cinema). This movie made me cry. Even looking at the poster I think of all the potential that movie had.

A Walk to Remember
There was about 5 minutes where the dude in the movie (I can't even remember his characters name. Shane West was really good on ER.) drives around in his Mustang and looks sad. No dialogue. Not even any screaming at God for the injustice that is his life. Just driving and being sad. None of the scenes in the movie are longer than the average music video. And the love of the girl changes the boy in the end of the movie. I would rather be hit in the face with a framing hammer than have to watch this again. I imagine it would be different if I were a teenage girl.

Little Women
I'm sure that this is the most important book that many of you have read. And I know that Joey had to put it in the fridge because it scared him so bad. But I hated this movie when I saw it. I was flying from Paris to Cincinnati. This was the only in-flight movie being shown. And it has Susan Sarandon in it overacting and being stupid. I don't think there has ever been a movie with her in it that I like. And it is not because of her politics either. Her husband shares those very same politics and he is in one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption. And he was very good as Public Television News Anchor in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy. I really hate this movie.

The Piano
I watched this with my mother. This is the worst movie ever made as far as I am concerned. People got hurt in this movie and I liked it. The only regret for me is everybody lived. If they could have died within the first 10 minutes then I wouldn't have wasted that much time of my life. The people that made this movie should be put in jail.

So here is my list of movies that I hate. I hope that you disagree and let me know about it. I live for disagreement.


Shawn Stinson said...

I will comment on this list, but It's gonna take me a while to stop laughing out loud first and organize my thoughts. Good stuff.

Also, as I see that in order to comment on this I have to fill out one of those security "word verification" things.
Where you type the word that is in the picture all scrambled looking. The word they put on your blog Joseph... testules.
I'm just sayin'.

Joseph said...

Testules? Does that rhyme with Hercules. If so that would be a great name for a band.

Ben Hamaker said...

Testules: The Joseph Kinnaird Experience?

Jamie said...

Let's start with the Oscars clearly disagree with you on a couple of counts...

My only real disagreement is with the following (no surprise):
1. A Walk to Remember: Shane West is cute enough to carry this movie. Don't knock the dream.
2. Little Women: Claire Danes does sick so well. But I will say, who picks Gabriel Byrne over Christian Bale? (pre-f*word-ranting)