Monday, August 3, 2009

Robert Pattinson? Really?

I have not blogged as faithfully over the summer for several reasons. All of those reasons translate into busy. On top of being a parts monkey for Bagby Elevator (speaking of which if any of you are interested in buying an elevator give us a call, we’re good to the last drop) I am also a Student Minister at Westwood Baptist Church in Forestdale, Alabama (speaking of which if any of you are looking for a church to call home Westwood is a good place to start as they have a fabulous staff). Being a Student Minister means that the summer is my busy season. Between retreats and hanging out with students my 35 year old mind and body are nearing the ends of their endurance. I had to let something fall by the way and this blog was one of those things. But as I promised August was going to be the month of the blog. And so it shall be.

Many things have happened this summer that would have been worthy of a blog. Our President is pushing for radical healthcare reform. The county in which I live is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. I have seen for quite some time a disconnect between those who govern and common sense. All of these things are worthy of my thought and time. But I was at Wal-Mart tonight buying deodorant and other things that keep me from smelling like the monkey house at the zoo and I saw something on the cover of a magazine that brought to mind something that has been nagging at me for some time. Robert Pattinson. Or more specifically the appeal of Robert Pattinson.

I don’t get it. I see homeless people all the time in Birmingham that look cleaner than this guy and I am quite sure that they have not bathed or groomed in quite some time. And they look cleaner than this guy. They have a better complexion. And let’s not forget his hair. Ridiculous.
There are some of you that may think my dismay comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy. And you could not be wronger. Yeah that’s right, wronger. I’m 35 and married. I quit grooming for the sake of finding a mate some time ago. I really don’t care that women and men alike find this guy to be attractive. Seriously, this does not bother me in the slightest.

From time to time I will ask my lovely if she thinks some dude on TV is pretty. She thinks that Brad Pitt is pretty. She thinks that Johnny Depp is beautiful. She is a fan of Val Kilmer. She even finds old guys to be really attractive. Dudes like Ed Harris, Harrison Ford, and Sting.

She is not so enamored with George Clooney. With this we disagree (my man crush on Clooney is well documented). But most of the time we agree. Except on the issue of Robert Pattinson.

I have seen what this dude is going to look like when he gets old. And the vision I have of his future is Keith Richards. Beetlejuice has a better complexion for the love of all that is holy.

So I ask you this question Constant Reader (I have stolen this term for you from Stephen King without reservation or apology). What is the deal with this guy? I heard someone say that pale and pasty was the new tan as far as complexion goes. They said that since the Twilight series came out this is the reason this is now attractive and sought after. Great. My skin hue is now vogue because it is the hue of the undead. What’s next, Zombie chic? Please respond coherently and in a manner that might make me understand the appeal of someone who looks like they have given shampoo the heave ho. This inquiring mind wants to know. What is the deal?


Jamie said...

Yes, really.

1. Bed hair. Whether it's appropriate to point out or not - it multiplies the appeal.
2. British accent.
3. He hasn't done anything absurd yet. (see Jeremy Piven for more information).

Ben said...


Joseph said...

Jamie: You described Keith Richards.

Ben: If anyone could clear this up for me it was going to be you.

Ben said...

Well, I do what I can.

Seriously, ask one of the Emolings.

My response will seem a well researched and impartial rebuttal.

Edward G. Roberts said...

I have discovered that it is not enough to look ungroomed... you have to look expensively ungroomed. Every highlight should cost you $25.00. Women like a "man" that will spend more money on his hair than his camouflage.

Now, clear one thing up for me, and I know I risk appearing unhip: Who IS Robert Pattinson?

Joseph said...

Edward: He's the dude from the Twilight Movies. He plays a Vampire.

kpookie747 said...

Don't forget, your wife has awesome taste in men (remember, I married you)! And I find Robert Pattinson VERY easy on the eyes. It's seems most of the men I find attractive have those gorgeous cheek bones. But I must find something appealing about Santa Claus cheeks because I married them. ha!