Beard

For those of you who don't know I have let my beard grow out a little bit.

My beard is now officially something that little kids will stare at.  Strangely enough not many of them are terribly frightened by it.

I am beginning to grow weary of people asking me why it is so long.  I have lately been telling them I have taken a Nazarite vow and the beard is the source of my super-powers.  When they ask what those super-powers are I will narrow my eyes and tell them they should already know. 

Jamie had a suggestion also.  Give people an answer that might make them feel guilty.  Here are a few we thought would be cool.

"I'm covering the cancer."
"I've been letting it grow since my mother was killed by a pack of dogs."

Those were the worst.

For those of you that don't know I am letting my beard grow as a fundraiser.  Westwood Baptist Church is sending a group to Belize this June 11-18.  I have made a vow that I will not cut or shave my beard until we have raised $8,000.00.  So it is sort of like a vow.

It took Tom Hanks 1 year to grow that beard.  It took me 5 months to cultivate that work of art above.  Sissy.

Hey big guy, you through with that plate?

I am fat.

There.

I said it.

I know it.  My friends know it.
The skinny waiter at Olive Garden knows it.
He's the one that called me big guy.  I would have kicked his butt if I weren't out of breath and not out of food. 

I can remember telling my father I would never be as fat as he was.  Well I am.  And I don't drink beer.  They say a beer is like a loaf of bread.  I don't know about that but I have probably had a six pack this week. 

I am fat.

I injured myself trying to put on my boots the other day.  For the past several years I have either worn shoes without laces.  Or taken the laces out of the shoes.  Or worn flip-flops.  Flip-flops are no longer an option because there are low land gorillas with prettier feet than mine. 

I am fat.
How fat are you?

So fat that soon my self-deprecating humor might turn into self-defecating humor.

So fat that people at work ask when the baby is due.  Favorite answer:  20 minutes.

So fat when I sleep on my stomach my knees don't touch the bed.

So fat that if I keep up the pace I'm on I will have to be twelve feet tall to be my ideal weight.

So fat that if I keep up this pace I will be dead before I'm 60.

I have high blood pressure.  High cholesterol.  Bad knees.  Heartburn all the time.

I am fat.
So I begin the process of losing this weight that is killing me. 
I hear crystal meth is a sure way to lose weight in a hurry.

Shovel vs. Hammer. Which is Funnier?

I was thinking about this the other day.  I Tweeted the original question that came to my mind here.  (You should follow me.)  Here is the question as it appeared on my Tweet.
Why is someone getting hit in the face with a shovel intrinsicly funnier than some getting hit in the face with a hammer? Still in the face.

For some reason I pictured someone getting hit in the face with a shovel immediately followed by that same person getting hit in the face with a hammer.  For some reason the image with the shovel made me do a mental giggle while the hammer made me cringe.  Two questions quickly formed in my mind.

1.  Why is a shovel funnier than a hammer?
2.  What kind of person would even think of this?

I was able to come to two reasons as to why a shovel smacking a face is funnier than a hammer.

The first is the sound.  A shovel smacking a face or head would make a SHPONK! or SHPOINK!  Either of these two sounds is infinitely funnier than the splatty thud sound (SHPLUD!?) a hammer would make when striking a face or head.

The second is who would use said shovel or hammer.  I can easily picture Moe Howard striking either of the other two stooges with a shovel with great comedic effect.

 

Not so with the hammer.  The hammer is the weapon of Jason, Michael Myers, or someone from a Tarantino or Cohen Brothers film.

Now that I have managed to suck some of the fun out of a good shovel smacking by breaking it down for you I wish you a Happy New Year.

Several people have commented they have missed my ramblings.  Does it say something that this is the first thing I thought to blog about in nearly 3 months?  The on the field success of the Awbun Tigers has managed to bleed joy out of me.  That might be an explanation.  Either way I hope you have enjoyed this little ramble.

Morgan Freeman Young.

This is not a post (as the title would suggest) about what I would name my 3rd born if my last name were young.

Chris Rock asked a question I have never been able to answer until today.

Has Morgan Freeman ever been young?

The answer is yes.  In the 70's.

Have a great weekend.

Roll Tide!!!

Movies I thought were good but turned out to be bad.

I have always loved movies.  Books too.  I like to escape to a place I will never go and experience a world as a person I will never be.  I am a re-reader.  If I like a book I will read it several times.  If I like a movie I will watch it over and over again.  I have read "Boy's Life" something like 5 times.  I have seen "Dumb and Dumber" over 30 times.  The neat thing about revisiting these classics is catching the little things you missed the first few times.  Like when Lloyd asks the waitress at the diner what the soup dejour is and she says, "It's the soup of the day." completely dead pan.  Lloyd then says, "That sounds good.  I'll have that."  Genius.  Pure GEEENYUSS. 

Good books and good movies get better after repeated readings and viewings.

The opposite is true of bad books and movies. 

I never re-read a bad book.  But I will re-watch a bad movie sometimes because they come on USA or TBS.  One exception to a bad movie getting worse is "Road House".  This is a bad movie but it keeps getting better every time it is on CMT.  It will be late at night and I am getting ready to go to bed and I scan past CMT and see "Roadhouse" on and I know I am up for another 2 hours.  ("Don't eat the big white mint.")

The following is a list of movies I used to think were good but now realize they are bad.

1.  The Notebook:  Good acting.  So-so story.  Rachel McAdams.  What's not to like?  Nobody fights as much as those people and still like each other.  There is one piece of advice I give to dating couples.  If you fight more than you don't it is time to end it.  Because marriage always makes problems go away.  Yeah right.  If this dude had married that girl in the real world he would have killed her before year two was over.  On the bright side neither one of them would have ended up in a nursing home.
I watched this one with Kara.  She said I would like it.  I was crying at the end and she was inconsolable.  I mean she was a wreck.  I hate it when  movie makes me cry about people I don't even like. 

2.  Conan The Barbarian:  I shouldn't have watched this as a kid but I did.  I watched it again this summer.  Ahnuld made this movie before he learned to act.  (Did I actually just type that?)  Anyhow...this was a horrible movie.  At one point he is fighting and he spends 3 minutes of film making Ahnuld noises.  Think the noises he made in Total Recall when he face was getting ready to explode on Mars.  For 3 minutes. 
Best quote from the movie: 
Mongol General: "What is best in life?"

Conan: "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women."

To hear this line from Ahnuld's mouth is like music.  At least he could say lamentations.

3. Titanic:  Beautiful looking movie.  Great acting.  Good score.  Kate Winslett.  What's not to like?  Just one little thing that ruined the movie for me after thinking about it.  Toward the end of the movie when the old woman is standing on the back of the boat and she takes the necklace and throws it into the ocean.  What a selfish old hag.  I would have loved it if Bill Paxton's character would have walked around the corner about the same time as she was putting the necklace overboard.  Then I would have loved it if he screamed like a crazy person and thrown her after it.  Then throwing stuff at her every time she surfaced.  "Don't even think about coming back aboard until you have a necklace or $20,000,000.  And you did let go.  Hag."

 

4.  Pretty in Pink:  Molly Ringwald whines on the first date almost non-stop.  They get in an argument.  On the first date.  If I'm the rich guy I drop her off in front of her house 20 minutes in. 

There are plenty of others I am sure.  I can't really remember. 

Are there any movies you now realize steam with badness after a repeated viewing?

Post # 100. "I gave my last $10.00 to a hooker."

This is post #100. 99 times before this I have not told this story. My good friends know it. I told it at church one time. From the pulpit.

This happened while Kara and I were still dating so it was at least 14 or 15 years ago. I was living in Bessemer. She was living in Corner. It was late and I was getting off I-59 at 18th street in Bessemer. It was about 2:00 AM. I notice a woman standing on the corner of the ramp and 19th street. She is all alone.

I have a policy. If I have a get a weird feeling about a person needing a ride I trust that hunch. This hunch is something my forebears used to great effectiveness whilst not getting eaten by sabre-tooth tigers.

I do not get the sabre-tooth vibe when I pull up. She is wearing modest jean shorts (Jorts if you will) and an Auburn t-shirt. (I am making up the part about the Auburn t-shirt* but it does add a certain something to the visual doesn't it) She was alone and I thought it was dangerous for her to be standing on the side of the road in Bessemer at 2:00 in the morning. So I roll down the window and ask, "Do you need a ride?"

She said yes and walked around and got in the car. The following is a transcript of the conversation that ensued.

Me: Where are you going.
Her: I don't know. (Pause) So do you want to fool around or something because I need some money.

This is where a good Christian and minister of the Gospel would have stepped up to the plate and walked through the door He opened and shared had the right words to say. Jesus definitely would have had something to say. He did it all the time.

 I'm not sure I'm a good Christian or not. My father is fond of saying he has tried all his life just to be a bad Christian. And the Gospel is not what went through my head. What went through my head was all of the images I have seen of prostitutes on TV. None of those images featured Jorts. Not. Even. One. There was no Huggy Bear standing off to the side. No high heels. Just a woman in Jorts, Auburn t-shirt, and tennis shoes.

(Transcript continued)

Me: No ma'am. (There's no point in being rude and forgetting my manners is there?)

Me: Are you hungry? Do you need something to eat?

Her: Yes.

So I pulled into a convenience store not far down the road and reached for my wallet. All I had was $10.00. I gave it to her and drove away, mind reeling.

I had just been solicited by a prostitute. Not only that I had been solicited by a prostitute in my car. At 2:00 in the morning.

It is early Sunday morning and I go home and go to sleep. I wake up and go to church and never once tell anyone my story of the night before. My mother was at church that morning. After the service she asked if I wanted to go and get something to eat. I had been waiting to unleash the line in my head all morning and here was the chance.

Me: Yes but you are going to have to pay for it. I don't have any money because I gave my last $10.00 to a hooker last night."

There were several people standing around while this line hit the air. Everyone stopped what they were talking about and looked at me. Including my pastor, Roy Hill. I told the story of being propositioned and relayed my shock at how she did not look like anything I had expected. Nothing like Starskey and Hutch. That was when a woman I went to high school with delivered the best line on the subject.

"You didn't even get a back rub?"

* Note:  The woman holding the Auburn T-Shirt is Kathryn Tucker Windham of Thirteen Ghosts of Alabama fame.  This was chilling stuff for a small tike like me back in the day @ Greenwood Elementary.

My Very First Web Giveaway

I am a sucker for a good story.  Everyone has at one good one.  My father is an encyclopedia of stories about flying planes dangerously.  He and a companion we beat up by a bar full of people that wanted them to bleed.  Bill says that before he blocked out he saw round face and punched it.  As he was coming to he was being dragged out of the bar.  One of the dudes mentioned that he was a heavy son of bad word some people call women.  He has had a beer or 10 with Truman Capote at the Tide and Tiger out side of Legion field in Birmingham.

My stories pale in comparison.

But I do have stories that are funny.  People I have met in nearly 20 years of ministry that crack me up.  And not in a good way.  I have met ministers that I wanted to punch out and I have met sincere brothers and sisters that still make me feel inadequate to the task given me. 

I have loved a few women that broke my heart and found one that put it back together so it fits nicely with hers. 

These are stories that we all have in us. They just want to get out. 

Herein lies my challenge to you dear reader: 
1.  Send me a story.  Let it be honest.  It doesn't have to be a long one.  It doesn't have to be short.  It has to be true. 
2.  If the story invovles me and I did something that changed you life, good or bad, you will get extra points.
3.  If you follow The Blog-o-Log you get extra points.
4.  If you follow me on the Twitter you get extra point and extra nuggets of widsom for your day.  Win/win in my book.

The Prize will be a paper back copy of my favorite book, "Boy's Life." by Robert McCammon.  He is a local writer who made it big telling stories of horror.  "Boy's Life." is nothing like the rest of his cataloge.

The winner will have this book signed (by me of course because I don't know Bobby Mac at all.

Deadline for submissions will be September 10 and precisely 5:17.

These stories need to be told.

Vaya con Dios mis amigos.

Joseph

Things Chinese Christians Don't Worry About.

I recently heard about a pastor who called his deacons together and told them they would no longer be allowed to serve as a deacon if they used tobacco products. 4 promptly resigned. This in turn prompted me to ask this question of myself. "Does the church in China worry about this kind of stuff?"

There are 2 reasons I would mention the church in China.
1. It is being persecuted.
2. It is growing almost exponentially.

These are two things that cannot be said for the church in America. There are many reasons for this. The church is America is comfortable. And when people get comfortable they tend to worry about silly crap.

The following is a list of things Chinese Christians probably don't worry about all that much. This list has not been researched so please don't concern yourself with fact checking. It's all straight out of my noodle.





1. How they are dressed.
2. How long the sermon is.
3. Whether or not Myrtle (or the Chinese equivalent) is going to be on the Kitchen Committee this year.
4. How weird the kids look nowadays.
5. How loud the guitar is.
6. How everyone else is dressed.
7. Electronic Bingo.
8. How the Pastor is not feeding them. (At some point you have to feed yourself there Baby Huey.)
9. How the shades do not match the carpet.
10. Most of the stuff we American Christians fight about.

Does it sound like I might be a bit of a bad mood? Nah.

Absolute Faithfulness.

You might read the title of this little ditty and think I am about to talk about spiritual or marital fidelity.  You would be wrong.  I am talking about the only TV show I have followed from start to finish. 

I have watched Smallville since Episode 1 nearly 10 years ago.  This season, it's 10th, is the last one.  The following is the promo for the current season. 








You really should check out the marvelously cheesy bit of Superman entertainment.

I bet Adam had this problem.

This is a post I submitted to Stuff Christians Like for consideration as a guest poster person. I have yet to hear back from them. Maybe they hate beards too.

I think one of the first things that Eve said to Adam after they settled on the East Side was, “You really need to consider plucking those?” Or it could have been, “You need to shave that off.”

I seriously think it goes that far back. While not unique to Christians per se it is definitely more pronounced. Here are some of the things that have been said to personally, to my face, to me. (Redundancy intended)

“When are you going to get a hair cut.”

“I can’t stand a man with facial hair.” (Of all the depictions of Jesus out there I am sure the only thing we can say for sure is he had a beard...)

“You not tucking in your shirt sends a horrible message to the youth of this church.” (Me being too fat to tuck my shirt in might worse.)


“I can’t handle it when your beard gets that long.” (I have been known to grow a beard long enough to hind a shank in. You just never know when that might come in handy.)


“You looked so nice last Sunday. If you tried you could look that nice every Sunday.” (This is my personal favorite.)


All of the people who made these comments had 2 things in common: They weren’t men and they weren’t my mother.


Why do these nice women think it is OK to do this? All of them said these things to me were sincere and earnest. Now imagine me saying these things to the same women with the same sincerity and earnestness.


“Gee I really like your hair when you let a professional fix it.”


“Those pants would look better if they were at least 12” below your armpits although it will be increasingly difficult to reach over your shoulder and get stuff out of your back pocket.”


“I like your mustache.”


“I love your hair. Where ever did you get that color? Should I go to the Ms. Clairol section and look for the bottle labeled Wayne Newton?”


There are at least two reasons why I only think these things.


1. There is not enough political capitol in this world for me to be able to say any of the above.


2. The possibility that I could grieve the Holy Spirit.


Do these sweet little ladies not know I am a delicate flower who may have issues with my body and I am trying to resolve said issues through baggier clothing? That I don’t wear suits often because I sweat like Whitney Houston? That I grow a beard because it gives the illusion of a chin? But it all goes back to the beginning I believe.


Eve (to Adam): Did that loincloth match when you left the house this morning?


Chalk another one up to original sin.

Zach Brown Band

This is my favorite new band.  They give me hope.  Because talent and hard work won out over looks.  And they are an amazing live band.  Currently touring with the Dave Matthews Band.  I would travel and pay to see this show.

Below is a live ditty by the ZBB.  Hope you enjoy it.



And he has a very cool beard.

Redemption.

I watched "The Deadliest Catch" last Tuesday.  This is the episode where Phil Harris died. 

If you haven't watched this show Capt. Phil was the foul-mouthed, chain-smoking captain of one of the boats.  OK this probably describes all of the captains but he smoked more that most. 

He really died back in February so it has been a slow build to what happened last week all season long.  If you have not seen this episode here is all I have to say about it.



As far as I am concerned all reality TV will forever be judged against this episode of this show and forever be found lacking.  Language is a little salty.

Preaching.

I got the opportunity to preach last night at Westwood Baptist.  I did several things I don't normally do.

1.  Wore a short sleeved polo (tucked in) and jeans.
2.  Had a cup of nice cold Coca-Cola on the pulpit.  Most thought it was water.  Sweet nectar of the gods.
3.  Made the Sunday night crowd laugh.  We were talking about prayer in general and the Lord's Prayer specifically.  Jesus told his disciples, "When you pray, pray like this...".  I was on the point where Jesus talked about asking for our daily bread.  I said it was a good thing that God supplies our daily bread and not necessarily weekly alotments because it is probable that I would eat it all at once and might weigh close to 1700 lbs. by now.  No need to sugar coat it because I would probably eat that too.

No one's head exploded and I think I communicated the Word with truth and boldness. 

Ben Hamaker

"I dub thee. . . Thor! Odinson and master of the Thunder!"
". . . did you just name one of your puppies Thor?"
". . . maybe."
"That's so, just, ugh."
"Then I probably shouldn't tell you about Fenrir and Ragnarok."
 
This was a Facebook post by my friend Ben Hamaker.  He doesn't blog all that much because he is too busy playing WOW and raising the IQ average of the Walker County Wal-Mart to worry about such things.  He probably stole this from someone else but this is beside the point. 
 

I just thought this was very funny.
 

My comment on his post was this:

 
"My dad told me I was concieved by lightning. Easier than the real talk to be sure."
 
You should check out his blogs.  They are old and they ramble.  And they are so grammatical they might make your teeth ache.  But they are also very good.  Just click on his names.

And yes this is an actual picture of him.

Things I wouldn't admit to when I was 17.

There are things I can admit now that I'm 36 (with 37 just around the corner) that I would never have admitted to when I was 17.  One of the most unfortunate things about being a 17 year old male in Western society is an oppressively need to be cool.  This sad fact may be a fact across cultures.  Imagine 17 year old Adibi from some random tribe in Africa.  He is going to do whatever it takes to look good and be the man in order to secure a mate.  He'll have to kill a lion or walk across the desert or something dangerous and manly.  17 year old Joseph on the other hand has to keep the appearance of cool.  Lest he look like less than a man.  The following is a list of things I would never have admitted to way back when.


1. I really liked the musical stylings of Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.

2. I wanted more than anything in this world to be Wolverine.  Not the Wolverine from the movies.  He cries.  No the one from the comic books.  He would go into a rage and black out and people would pay for messing with him.

3. There were times when I just wouldn't feel pretty.
4. This was my favorite girl from 90210.

5. I loved "Dirty Dancing".  Note: If I had a daughter who was dating a man much older than herself without my knowledge or consent I would be peeved.  If that older guy looked at me and said, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." I would downsize his face with a framing hammer.

There are probably other things but I am going to leave those alone.  With the exception of #2 the rest add up to one thing: When I was 17 I was actually a 14 year old girl.