Monday, April 29, 2013

When Jesus calms a storm he scares the stuffing out of his disciples.

Look at that title again.  In Luke 8:22-25 Jesus performs a miracle.  He tells a storm to stop.  His disciples are all scared out of their minds because they think they are about to die.  This must have been a pretty good storm.  Keep in mind they are not in the middle of the Bering Sea during crab season.  They are on a lake.
This story starts out innocently enough.  Jesus says, “Hey guys.  Let us go across to the other side of the lake.”  I added the “Hey guys” part because that just seems to make this flow a little better.  I picture the disciples looking at each other and going, “OK.  Sounds good.”  So they set out.

Well as they sailed Jesus fell asleep.  I imagine he fell asleep because he was tired.  That is why I fall asleep.  I also imagine he was tired from having to carry that group of knuckleheads across the desert all the time.  He had to answer a lot of questions and it has to be tiring answering questions all the time.  And it is especially tiring when your MO is answering questions with other questions.  So he was tired and he fell asleep. 

So Jesus is asleep and a windstorm suddenly assails this little boat that was supposedly only going out on a three hour tour.  A three hour tour.  The boat started filling with water.  I imagine the zealots and the tax collectors are really starting to lose their minds.  I imagine them looking to Peter and his brother (because they were fishermen and boats were their life once upon a time) for comfort and assurance.  Peter and his brother start freaking out like the Steward of Gondor when he looked down and saw all of Sauron’s army amassed on the Fields of Pelinor.  “ABANDON YOUR POSTS!  WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!”  When Peter and his brother lost it then the rest really lost their freaking minds. 

Somebody decided they ought to wake the boss up since they were all going to die.  Who was this brave soul who woke Jesus up?  Waking Jesus up seemed like the right thing to do.  Now I want to ask a question.  What motivated them to wake Jesus?  Did they think it was common courtesy to wake up their rabbi before they all died?  Or did they wake him up because they thought he could do something about it?  I am inclined to think they woke Jesus up for reason number one.  Common courtesy.  Let me explain.

We see at the conclusion of this little tale their reaction to Jesus and what he did.  I think they were surprised that Jesus could do this.  They just didn’t think that Jesus had that particular skill in his wheelhouse. 

So they wake the boss up before he drowns.  Because God knows it is better to drown wide awake than drown in your sleep.  The ESV goes like this: Master, Master, we are perishing.  The JKV goes like this: MASTER!!!  MASTER!!!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.  This I can relate to.  I have been in a van in Michigan and again in a van in Webbers Falls, OK when I tire has blown out or just decided it no longer wanted to be joined with the rest of the vehicle.  Both of these happened while a good friend of mine was driving and both time my first thought was, “We are going to die.”  No ALL CAPS to show my dismay and terror, just the cold certainty that my time on this mortal coil was fast coming to an end. 

They wake Jesus up with the assurance they are going to die.  Jesus wakes up to the sound of the wind and rain and his disciples losing it.  Here is where it gets kind of funny for me.  Jesus wakes up and rebukes the wind and the waves and they stopped cold.  No more wind.  No more waves.  Just like that.  Then he turns and asks them where their faith is.  See this with me.

Jesus wakes up.  Maybe he wakes up and for a second he doesn’t know where he is.  He was fully human.  You’ve awakened and wondered where you are before.  This is a perfectly natural thing that happens to sober people all the time.  It is not just a phenomenon of the catastrophically drunk.  He wakes up and it is pandalerium on the boat.  The disciples are coming apart.  Maybe Jesus is just a tad grumpy about not being able to get a little rest.  If you don’t think Jesus is capable of grumpy I ask you to revisit the whole clearing out the temple story.  So roll with me here.  He’s grumpy.  His disciples are scared out of their minds.  Jesus goes up to the other side of the boat and looks at the wind and the waves and takes out his frustration on the weather.  He rebuked the wind and the waves.  This was not a gentle little request.  “Hey wind.  Hey waves.  Stop acting up.  Thanks.”  I hear it this way. “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY WOULD YOU STOP!!  RIGHT!!!  NOW!!!” 

And it stopped.  The wind quit being windy and the waves quit being wavy.  Just like that.  I can see the disciples sitting behind Jesus with their mouths open with this thought in their minds: Holy crap what just happened?  And amid that confusion he turned to them.  A moment before the wind and the waves stopped cold and now they had his undivided attention.  And what is the first emotion they felt.  Joy at being saved from a watery grave?  Relief?  Gratitude?  All of these are perfectly reasonable responses to what happened.  But they felt none of this at first.  They were afraid. 

It says they marveled and asked a very crucial question.  Who is this guy that he can command the winds and the waves and they obey him?  Jesus calms a storm and saves their lives and it scares them witless.

I believe they got a first glimpse at the God they were following that day.  This was more than a teacher laying out theoretical platitudes and homilies about how to live.  I think they came face to face for the first time with the fact that he was authority behind all he was teaching them. 

Throughout the Bible when people came face to face with God their first instinctive reaction was fear.  And they had cause to be afraid.  These disciples were no different.  I think they came away from that encounter with God with more than a little fear because what would it mean to follow him.  How were they going to have to change?  What was going to happen to their lives?  Not all of them made it to the finish line.  Judas could not handle the strain.  The path was too hard.  11 of the 12 went on to follow gloriously and laid the foundations for every Christian and every church. 

I have to ask myself what it means to follow this man who can command the winds and waves but doesn’t command me.  The wind and the waves had no choice.  I do.  And so do you.  There may come a time when the winds and the waves crash against the little boat I am on when all I thought I was signing up for was a simple three hour tour and I feel that Jesus is asleep at the wheel.  What do I do? 

I have to tell you this scares me more than a little.     

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Is There Enough Love?

"There is not enough love in this world."

I recently said this at work to a co-worker after he told me about a man he went to church with who died in a house fire.  He was in his 40's and left behind three small children.  Beautiful children.  the church is doing what it can.  Memorial funds have been set up for these children who had a father one minute and did not have a father the next. 

Two events have in my lifetime have caused me to yearn for the time when Jesus will return and fix what is desperately broken in this world. 

I was in college at the University of Montevallo when two crazy people leveled the Federal Courthouse in Oklahoma City.  There is a picture of a fireman carrying the lifeless body of a toddler out of the carnage.  This image is seared into my brain. 

I was in seminary at Beeson Divinity School when several crazy people flew planes into the World Trade Centers.  Again I wanted Jesus to come back right then.  I was glued to the TV for days.  The images of people jumping out of the windows to escape the flames haunt me still.

Today someone set bombs to explode at the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  As I write this the death toll is at 3 with more than 100 injured. 
Is there enough love to cover this?  I don't know.  But there is hope.
A video captured the first explosion.  You can see one of the runners go wobbly and fall down.  This man is 78 years old and was about to finish running a marathon.  That's 26 miles.  I get sweaty driving 26 miles.  This 78 year old man was about to finish when he was knocked down. 
There are two rays of hope in this picture.  As people are fleeing the explosion there are people running toward it.  And not just policemen and first responders.  There are ordinary people who went toward harm to help people. 
This 78 year old man got up and finished the race.  He was knocked down.  He got back up.  He finished the race. 
In Hebrews 12:1-2 Paul wrote about a scene prescient the picture above. 
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
This man got up and finished the race.  At least that is the story today. 
There is hope in this story because people rushed into a situation not knowing if there were more explosions coming.  They rushed in to help the helpless.  This is the image of Christ who for the joy of saving me rushed headlong to the cross and all that went with it.  For me.  For you. 
There is hope in this story because a man got up and finished the race set before him.  The second before the bombs went off there were people at the finish line whose sole purpose was to cheer the people who were finishing the race.  The runners who were finishing were surrounded by people cheering them on to the finish.  The race had been decided 2 hours before.  The people crossing at this point were merely finishing what they had started. 
The people who were behind at this point did not get to finish the race but I have heard many have pledged they will finish. 
The Oklahoma City bombing and 9/11 caused me to call for Jesus to step down and call the race. 
Is there enough love?  Can that love cover what happened today and what is surely going to happen if Jesus tarries?  Probably not.  But I have hope because my eyes, however imperfectly they may focus, are fixed on Jesus.  He's crossed the finish line.  He waits there for me.  There is hope.  He has enough love for all of us.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

First blog on my phone

Just got delivered from VBS for one more year. Too many kids in one place makes me very nervous. I think they may be plotting to take over the place. Sure this fear is probably unwarranted but I can't shake the feeling they are up to no good.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Guest Posting Tomorrow


Go to this blog and see the one I am going to guest on tomorrow.

Do it now or one of Cam Newton's teeth falls out.

Guest Posted Today.

Hello all,

I am just letting all of you know that I guest posted over on Jamie Golden's site.  Click here and go there.  You will find that both links take you to the same place which should show you all just how witty I am.

Go there now or God kills a kitten.


PS. Have you ever noticed that Dwight Yokum looks like Ron Howard's brother?
Have a great Tuesday.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Notes to my 16 year old self.

I read a post by Jamie Golden today over on her blog.  It is a really good and well thought out blog.  I knew her when she was 17 and wore big hats.  I left part of the following list as a comment.  It is not as good and not nearly as thought out but it was what came to mind when she invited all who read her blog to think about what to say to their own 16 year old selves.

16 year old Joseph was neither as cool as he thought he was on his best day or as stupid as he thought he was on his worst day.  16 year old Joseph was just that.  16 years old.  I have yet to meet a wise 16 year old.  There is a reason they are not allowed to vote.  Come to think of it I don't think I want to meet a wise 16 year old.  Without further adieu here is a letter I would like to send back in time to 16 year old Joseph Kinnaird.


You will still be dude when you are 37.  It will always be one of the most expressive words in the English language.

There are some things you need to know about the you you will be in 2011.  Some of it you called well ahead of time.  Some of it you never saw coming.

You totally married a hot red head.  You have a son named Joseph William Kinnaird III.  You also have a son named James Robert Kinnaird.  Had you gotten your way he would have been named William Wallace Kinnaird.  You can grow a beard like no body's business.  You are a musician.  Not in a hair metal band (Nirvana killed hair metal in 1992).  You play bass in a funky little group called Crowe.  You also play the organ at a church.  You do not believe me and that's OK.  Here is some advice the 37 year old version of you would like to give you.

1. The older you get the more you will look like your father.

2. Send out more invitations to your graduation. Go the the Bessemer Baptist Association and get lists of all the churches there where the median age is 65. Send invitations there. There are only 2 instances in your life where people will be willing to give you money like this. The other is a wedding. The difference being you get to spend all of the graduation money on you and the things you think are important as an 18 year old.

3. Ask more girls on dates. The worst thing they can do is say no.

4. Remember this: Unless it is a felony there is no permanent record.

5. Always trust that inner voice that says, "Someone called the cops and they are on their way."

6. Cut the mullet. Right now. The only way it would look cool is if you were Hispanic or Asian. You are Scottish.

7. Treat everyone the way you want to be treated. If you don't you will feel like a turd forever.

8. Treasure the friends you have right now. You will never have friends like that again.

9. Use conditioner. After you cut the mullet.

10. Remember that dude who made your life a living hell when you were 15. Punch him in the face. Right now. But make it count because he is probably going to kick the taste out of your mouth.

11. Quit smoking.

12. Do not pine after women who date a guy because they have a cool car. They are not all that interesting.

13. After you get the taste back in your mouth punch that dude again.

14. These are some of the people you are going to miss 21 years later: Mrs. Terry, Granny, Dale, and Mother. Make the most of every moment you have with these people.

15. Pull the fire alarm.

16. Go out for football.

17. Learn more Bruce Hornsby songs on the piano while it is still easy to learn.
18. Befriend the friendless.  Defend the defenseless.  Love the unlovable.
19. Don't be such an insufferable little snot to your teachers.  Karma is a cruel wheel we all spin on.  You will most certainly reap what you sow one day. 
20. Don't be so resistant to the concept of grace. Either the grace you show others or the grace you allow others to show you and especially the grace God has in store for you. You can't earn it. There is no brownie point system. Just accept that He loves you and sent his Son to die for you not because you deserve it but simply because He loves you. It is a gift freely given, not a reward.

There is so much more but the mistakes you will make are what makes you the man you'll be when you're 37.  And 37 year old Joseph is blessed beyond measure.


37 year old Joseph.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

What have I been up to lately?

It has been a awhile since I have shot a blog out there.  Twitter might be a little to blame.  I have been getting some random thoughts out 140 characters at a time.  Beautiful economy of language.  The following are a list of things that have changed or am working on in my life at the moment.

Don't Stop Belizing:  I and 10 of the coolest people I know are taking a trip to Belize to work in the Stan Creek region.  We will be doing some hard labor.  Pouring a foundation for a building and laying concrete block.  There is a time when I would have blown through that work like a trooper.  I now wonder if this work isn't going to kill me.  We leave June 11 and won't be back until June 18.  Please pray that we show love for one another and I don't get a bad case of the grumps.

I grew a beard as a visible sign of the fundraising progress we have made.  It was epic.  It stood outside of most conversation judging them and finding them lacking.  It was that righteous.  It looked like this at the very end.

This is the look I wish I could have kept for a while.  I could have driven around in a van and scared young children.  I think people who look like this should on a watch list of some type.

I think the next one would have been perfect if I could have been a state trooper.  And wear super short shorts.  You know the kind that are short enough for people to see you pockets sticking out of the bottoms of them.  Or I could have played bass for Blue Oyster Cult.

Sadly this is the first real look I had gotten of my face in many years and I know exactly why I had hair growing on it in the first place.

I eventually cleaned up enough to look sort of like the guy Kara married 12 years ago.  She thinks this guy is hot.  And who am I to disagree.  Travel the world and the seven seas.  Everybody is looking for something.

I still have beautiful children.  They stink like boys most of the time and they love like brothers and they fight like brothers.  But they are how I will reach out into eternity.

I have also recently purchased an iPhone.  The 4 no less.  I was told it would change my life.  And it has.  I will now text while having a real conversation with a present person.  I am now that which might be the fall of interpersonal communication as we know it.  I refuse to have a fight via text message.  These are like arguing with a 4 year old.  No one wins.  Fighting and arguing should be things reserved for times when vocal inflection and mean looks are available. 

My cat died back in January.  That coupled with the fact that Auburn won a national championship made January a month that sucked pretty hard.  Kara actually had to take Cat to the vet and have her put down.  I had to leave work early because there is no crying at Bagby Elevator only gnashing teeth and the joy of driving your enemies before you and hearing the lamentations of their women.  Joseph the Barbarian could not be seen crying about a cat.  Even though he had that cat for 15 years.

This is kind of what it felt like for that cat to die for me.  I will never own another animal that I will outlive.

I have been working through a series in the book if 1 John.  A truth I gleamed from this is you can't walk in sin (deliberate, willful, acts of sin) and walk in and with God.  There is not peace to be found in this straddling of paths.  Only more apathy.  Too often we try and do just enough to please God and see how close we can get to the other line to satisfy the cravings person that lives within you. 

You can find peace in the love God has for those He calls His children. I am struggling now to find that peace.  I am struggling to walk a path that is not about getting as close to the edge as possible.  When I live like this I miss the point by  a country mile.  God is there for me when I am there in a relationship with him.  The same can be said for you. 

I am also reading a book.  Quitter by Jon Acuff.  Essentially he is inviting people in a very practical way to bridge the gap between their day job and their dream job.  I usually loathe self help books.  I also detest books on leadership that attempt to quantify leadership in 21 irrefutable laws.  Acuff does not come across as smug or arrogant.  He doesn't think he has most of the answers but he does ask some really good questions that ring in my heart as good questions I am allowed to answer.  I will tell you have the journey with book goes.

I am also finely honing a statement that will my Calvinists heads explode in righteous rage because the ones I am hearing really need to take themselves more seriously.  Here is the rough draft of said statement.

"The best systematic theologies are at best good guesses at something that rebuffs our guesses." Joseph Kinnaird.

Until the next time we meet may the bluebirds fly and do what bluebirds do.

Joseph Kinnaird

Monday, March 28, 2011

Beard Update.

I still have one.  And sweet sassy molassee is it big.

I thought I might dedicate a post to the cultivating and growing of it.  Some of you may think it is cool.  Some gross.  It all depends on your view of such things I guess.  Wait for it.

This was a far less hairy time in my life.  This was actually last May.  I was praying.  For wisdom.

I really like this picture.  I am doing what I love doing most in this world.  Answering a question posed by Debbie Marshall on a trip to a place I have never been. 

This is me doing what I loathe most in this world.  Chicks dig a guy in combat boots, short shorts, and a ferret growing on his face.

This is relatively early in the fund-raising beard.  My head is still relatively proportional to my shoulders.  Proportion is for sissies.

This is a picture that showed up at Jamie Golden's blog.  She will judge every other man she meets by this standard.  And they will be found lacking.

This was a beard I grew right before Billy was born.  I was 30 at the time.  Man I looked young.

Compared to this.  This is 37 year old father of two Joseph Kinnaird.  Notice the two stripes in the middle.  One is named Billy.  The other is James Robert.  This picture was taken 03/28/2011.  As of this date we are around $2200 short of our goal for the mission trip to Belize.

I wanted this shot to give me a proper perspective on how huge my head is.  Granted, Kara has a tiny head. 

She also pointed out that I look like an orangataun.  Like Clyde from Any Which Way You Can.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


For those of you who don't know I have let my beard grow out a little bit.

My beard is now officially something that little kids will stare at.  Strangely enough not many of them are terribly frightened by it.

I am beginning to grow weary of people asking me why it is so long.  I have lately been telling them I have taken a Nazarite vow and the beard is the source of my super-powers.  When they ask what those super-powers are I will narrow my eyes and tell them they should already know. 

Jamie had a suggestion also.  Give people an answer that might make them feel guilty.  Here are a few we thought would be cool.

"I'm covering the cancer."
"I've been letting it grow since my mother was killed by a pack of dogs."

Those were the worst.

For those of you that don't know I am letting my beard grow as a fundraiser.  Westwood Baptist Church is sending a group to Belize this June 11-18.  I have made a vow that I will not cut or shave my beard until we have raised $8,000.00.  So it is sort of like a vow.

It took Tom Hanks 1 year to grow that beard.  It took me 5 months to cultivate that work of art above.  Sissy.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Hey big guy, you through with that plate?

I am fat.
I said it.
I know it.  My friends know it.
The skinny waiter at Olive Garden knows it.
He's the one that called me big guy.  I would have kicked his butt if I weren't out of breath and not out of food. 

I can remember telling my father I would never be as fat as he was.  Well I am.  And I don't drink beer.  They say a beer is like a loaf of bread.  I don't know about that but I have probably had a six pack this week. 

I am fat.
I injured myself trying to put on my boots the other day.  For the past several years I have either worn shoes without laces.  Or taken the laces out of the shoes.  Or worn flip-flops.  Flip-flops are no longer an option because there are low land gorillas with prettier feet than mine. 

I am fat.
How fat are you?
So fat that soon my self-deprecating humor might turn into self-defecating humor.
So fat that people at work ask when the baby is due.  Favorite answer:  20 minutes.
So fat when I sleep on my stomach my knees don't touch the bed.
So fat that if I keep up the pace I'm on I will have to be twelve feet tall to be my ideal weight.
So fat that if I keep up this pace I will be dead before I'm 60.
I have high blood pressure.  High cholesterol.  Bad knees.  Heartburn all the time.

I am fat.
So I begin the process of losing this weight that is killing me. 
I hear crystal meth is a sure way to lose weight in a hurry.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Shovel vs. Hammer. Which is Funnier?

I was thinking about this the other day.  I Tweeted the original question that came to my mind here.  (You should follow me.)  Here is the question as it appeared on my Tweet.
Why is someone getting hit in the face with a shovel intrinsicly funnier than some getting hit in the face with a hammer? Still in the face.

For some reason I pictured someone getting hit in the face with a shovel immediately followed by that same person getting hit in the face with a hammer.  For some reason the image with the shovel made me do a mental giggle while the hammer made me cringe.  Two questions quickly formed in my mind.

1.  Why is a shovel funnier than a hammer?
2.  What kind of person would even think of this?

I was able to come to two reasons as to why a shovel smacking a face is funnier than a hammer.

The first is the sound.  A shovel smacking a face or head would make a SHPONK! or SHPOINK!  Either of these two sounds is infinitely funnier than the splatty thud sound (SHPLUD!?) a hammer would make when striking a face or head.

The second is who would use said shovel or hammer.  I can easily picture Moe Howard striking either of the other two stooges with a shovel with great comedic effect.

Not so with the hammer.  The hammer is the weapon of Jason, Michael Myers, or someone from a Tarantino or Cohen Brothers film.

Now that I have managed to suck some of the fun out of a good shovel smacking by breaking it down for you I wish you a Happy New Year.

Several people have commented they have missed my ramblings.  Does it say something that this is the first thing I thought to blog about in nearly 3 months?  The on the field success of the Awbun Tigers has managed to bleed joy out of me.  That might be an explanation.  Either way I hope you have enjoyed this little ramble.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Morgan Freeman Young.

This is not a post (as the title would suggest) about what I would name my 3rd born if my last name were young.

Chris Rock asked a question I have never been able to answer until today.

Has Morgan Freeman ever been young?

The answer is yes.  In the 70's.

Have a great weekend.

Roll Tide!!!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Movies I thought were good but turned out to be bad.

I have always loved movies.  Books too.  I like to escape to a place I will never go and experience a world as a person I will never be.  I am a re-reader.  If I like a book I will read it several times.  If I like a movie I will watch it over and over again.  I have read "Boy's Life" something like 5 times.  I have seen "Dumb and Dumber" over 30 times.  The neat thing about revisiting these classics is catching the little things you missed the first few times.  Like when Lloyd asks the waitress at the diner what the soup dejour is and she says, "It's the soup of the day." completely dead pan.  Lloyd then says, "That sounds good.  I'll have that."  Genius.  Pure GEEENYUSS. 

Good books and good movies get better after repeated readings and viewings.

The opposite is true of bad books and movies. 

I never re-read a bad book.  But I will re-watch a bad movie sometimes because they come on USA or TBS.  One exception to a bad movie getting worse is "Road House".  This is a bad movie but it keeps getting better every time it is on CMT.  It will be late at night and I am getting ready to go to bed and I scan past CMT and see "Roadhouse" on and I know I am up for another 2 hours.  ("Don't eat the big white mint.")

The following is a list of movies I used to think were good but now realize they are bad.

1.  The Notebook:  Good acting.  So-so story.  Rachel McAdams.  What's not to like?  Nobody fights as much as those people and still like each other.  There is one piece of advice I give to dating couples.  If you fight more than you don't it is time to end it.  Because marriage always makes problems go away.  Yeah right.  If this dude had married that girl in the real world he would have killed her before year two was over.  On the bright side neither one of them would have ended up in a nursing home.
I watched this one with Kara.  She said I would like it.  I was crying at the end and she was inconsolable.  I mean she was a wreck.  I hate it when  movie makes me cry about people I don't even like. 

2.  Conan The Barbarian:  I shouldn't have watched this as a kid but I did.  I watched it again this summer.  Ahnuld made this movie before he learned to act.  (Did I actually just type that?)  Anyhow...this was a horrible movie.  At one point he is fighting and he spends 3 minutes of film making Ahnuld noises.  Think the noises he made in Total Recall when he face was getting ready to explode on Mars.  For 3 minutes. 
Best quote from the movie: 
Mongol General: "What is best in life?"

Conan: "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women."
To hear this line from Ahnuld's mouth is like music.  At least he could say lamentations.

3. Titanic:  Beautiful looking movie.  Great acting.  Good score.  Kate Winslett.  What's not to like?  Just one little thing that ruined the movie for me after thinking about it.  Toward the end of the movie when the old woman is standing on the back of the boat and she takes the necklace and throws it into the ocean.  What a selfish old hag.  I would have loved it if Bill Paxton's character would have walked around the corner about the same time as she was putting the necklace overboard.  Then I would have loved it if he screamed like a crazy person and thrown her after it.  Then throwing stuff at her every time she surfaced.  "Don't even think about coming back aboard until you have a necklace or $20,000,000.  And you did let go.  Hag."

4.  Pretty in Pink:  Molly Ringwald whines on the first date almost non-stop.  They get in an argument.  On the first date.  If I'm the rich guy I drop her off in front of her house 20 minutes in. 

There are plenty of others I am sure.  I can't really remember. 

Are there any movies you now realize steam with badness after a repeated viewing?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Post # 100. "I gave my last $10.00 to a hooker."

This is post #100. 99 times before this I have not told this story. My good friends know it. I told it at church one time. From the pulpit.

This happened while Kara and I were still dating so it was at least 14 or 15 years ago. I was living in Bessemer. She was living in Corner. It was late and I was getting off I-59 at 18th street in Bessemer. It was about 2:00 AM. I notice a woman standing on the corner of the ramp and 19th street. She is all alone.

I have a policy. If I have a get a weird feeling about a person needing a ride I trust that hunch. This hunch is something my forebears used to great effectiveness whilst not getting eaten by sabre-tooth tigers.

I do not get the sabre-tooth vibe when I pull up. She is wearing modest jean shorts (Jorts if you will) and an Auburn t-shirt. (I am making up the part about the Auburn t-shirt* but it does add a certain something to the visual doesn't it) She was alone and I thought it was dangerous for her to be standing on the side of the road in Bessemer at 2:00 in the morning. So I roll down the window and ask, "Do you need a ride?"
She said yes and walked around and got in the car. The following is a transcript of the conversation that ensued.

Me: Where are you going.
Her: I don't know. (Pause) So do you want to fool around or something because I need some money.

This is where a good Christian and minister of the Gospel would have stepped up to the plate and walked through the door He opened and shared had the right words to say. Jesus definitely would have had something to say. He did it all the time.

 I'm not sure I'm a good Christian or not. My father is fond of saying he has tried all his life just to be a bad Christian. And the Gospel is not what went through my head. What went through my head was all of the images I have seen of prostitutes on TV. None of those images featured Jorts. Not. Even. One. There was no Huggy Bear standing off to the side. No high heels. Just a woman in Jorts, Auburn t-shirt, and tennis shoes.

(Transcript continued)

Me: No ma'am. (There's no point in being rude and forgetting my manners is there?)

Me: Are you hungry? Do you need something to eat?
Her: Yes.

So I pulled into a convenience store not far down the road and reached for my wallet. All I had was $10.00. I gave it to her and drove away, mind reeling.

I had just been solicited by a prostitute. Not only that I had been solicited by a prostitute in my car. At 2:00 in the morning.

It is early Sunday morning and I go home and go to sleep. I wake up and go to church and never once tell anyone my story of the night before. My mother was at church that morning. After the service she asked if I wanted to go and get something to eat. I had been waiting to unleash the line in my head all morning and here was the chance.

Me: Yes but you are going to have to pay for it. I don't have any money because I gave my last $10.00 to a hooker last night."

There were several people standing around while this line hit the air. Everyone stopped what they were talking about and looked at me. Including my pastor, Roy Hill. I told the story of being propositioned and relayed my shock at how she did not look like anything I had expected. Nothing like Starskey and Hutch. That was when a woman I went to high school with delivered the best line on the subject.

"You didn't even get a back rub?"

* Note:  The woman holding the Auburn T-Shirt is Kathryn Tucker Windham of Thirteen Ghosts of Alabama fame.  This was chilling stuff for a small tike like me back in the day @ Greenwood Elementary.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

My Very First Web Giveaway

I am a sucker for a good story.  Everyone has at one good one.  My father is an encyclopedia of stories about flying planes dangerously.  He and a companion we beat up by a bar full of people that wanted them to bleed.  Bill says that before he blocked out he saw round face and punched it.  As he was coming to he was being dragged out of the bar.  One of the dudes mentioned that he was a heavy son of bad word some people call women.  He has had a beer or 10 with Truman Capote at the Tide and Tiger out side of Legion field in Birmingham.

My stories pale in comparison.

But I do have stories that are funny.  People I have met in nearly 20 years of ministry that crack me up.  And not in a good way.  I have met ministers that I wanted to punch out and I have met sincere brothers and sisters that still make me feel inadequate to the task given me. 

I have loved a few women that broke my heart and found one that put it back together so it fits nicely with hers. 

These are stories that we all have in us. They just want to get out. 

Herein lies my challenge to you dear reader: 
1.  Send me a story.  Let it be honest.  It doesn't have to be a long one.  It doesn't have to be short.  It has to be true. 
2.  If the story invovles me and I did something that changed you life, good or bad, you will get extra points.
3.  If you follow The Blog-o-Log you get extra points.
4.  If you follow me on the Twitter you get extra point and extra nuggets of widsom for your day.  Win/win in my book.

The Prize will be a paper back copy of my favorite book, "Boy's Life." by Robert McCammon.  He is a local writer who made it big telling stories of horror.  "Boy's Life." is nothing like the rest of his cataloge.

The winner will have this book signed (by me of course because I don't know Bobby Mac at all.

Deadline for submissions will be September 10 and precisely 5:17.

These stories need to be told.

Vaya con Dios mis amigos.