I bet Adam had this problem.

This is a post I submitted to Stuff Christians Like for consideration as a guest poster person. I have yet to hear back from them. Maybe they hate beards too.

I think one of the first things that Eve said to Adam after they settled on the East Side was, “You really need to consider plucking those?” Or it could have been, “You need to shave that off.”

I seriously think it goes that far back. While not unique to Christians per se it is definitely more pronounced. Here are some of the things that have been said to personally, to my face, to me. (Redundancy intended)

“When are you going to get a hair cut.”

“I can’t stand a man with facial hair.” (Of all the depictions of Jesus out there I am sure the only thing we can say for sure is he had a beard...)

“You not tucking in your shirt sends a horrible message to the youth of this church.” (Me being too fat to tuck my shirt in might worse.)


“I can’t handle it when your beard gets that long.” (I have been known to grow a beard long enough to hind a shank in. You just never know when that might come in handy.)


“You looked so nice last Sunday. If you tried you could look that nice every Sunday.” (This is my personal favorite.)


All of the people who made these comments had 2 things in common: They weren’t men and they weren’t my mother.


Why do these nice women think it is OK to do this? All of them said these things to me were sincere and earnest. Now imagine me saying these things to the same women with the same sincerity and earnestness.


“Gee I really like your hair when you let a professional fix it.”


“Those pants would look better if they were at least 12” below your armpits although it will be increasingly difficult to reach over your shoulder and get stuff out of your back pocket.”


“I like your mustache.”


“I love your hair. Where ever did you get that color? Should I go to the Ms. Clairol section and look for the bottle labeled Wayne Newton?”


There are at least two reasons why I only think these things.


1. There is not enough political capitol in this world for me to be able to say any of the above.


2. The possibility that I could grieve the Holy Spirit.


Do these sweet little ladies not know I am a delicate flower who may have issues with my body and I am trying to resolve said issues through baggier clothing? That I don’t wear suits often because I sweat like Whitney Houston? That I grow a beard because it gives the illusion of a chin? But it all goes back to the beginning I believe.


Eve (to Adam): Did that loincloth match when you left the house this morning?


Chalk another one up to original sin.