Taking July off.

There are at least 2 people who read this thing regularly other than myself. Imagine this was a posting 30 days in the past.

I am taking the month of July off (except for the occasionally post about bulls and bartenders).

I will be storming back onto the blogosphere in August and all of the things in my brain that have been itching to get out will appear with much more regularity in August.

I am also curious. Is there something that you would like for me to write about. Some smarty pants might think it would be funny to get me to write about feminine hygiene products. And it might very well be funny to get me to write about such things, the actual product would be far from funny. Horrifying even.

I have missed the grind of the blog. Prepare for some Pulitzer Prize winning stuff here on the Blogolog.

And as awesome as you think you are you will never be as awesome as a dude that looks like a thumb.

When is the bartender going to arrive.

This is not me by the way.

I recently (today) went to St. Vincents for a procedure. Two nerves that run down the back of my left leg have been angry with the world since Memorial Day. I have a herniated disk at the bottom of my back. I think this block is making things feel a little better even now although it will take about 3-5 days to feel the full effect.

I had wanted to blog when they gave me the happy juice today because I would be interested what I would write stoned. Alas I never got the chance. But I will try to give you a snapshot of the most interesting part of the day.

I am in the OR (Operating room for people who don't watch ER). I have rolled onto my stomach as per instructions. Now they allowed me the dignity of keeping my tightywhiteys on (now I have answered that question for you, you're welcome). Then they pulled the shorts down a little and proceeded to wash the area.

Nurse: This is going to be a little cold OK.
Me: OK

Now if you are ever in the situation I was in earlier when a nurse says something is going to be a little cold what they really mean is they are going to pour liquid nitrogen on your back.

Now all of this is happening and no happy shot. You know the shot that allows them to do anything to you and you don't care.

Then after they wash the area they leave me there "bottoms up" so to speak and start talking about the days they have had. I listened to this for a couple of minutes then:

Me: As much fun as this is I was just wondering when the bartender is going to arrive.

Then the bartender arrived and gave me his concoction and the next thing I knew I was getting to eat cheese and crackers in the recovery room.

And I think my back is starting to feel a little better.

Kyle. Master of the Underworld.

I love Goth kids. They are so cute. Goth adults are another matter entirely. They are scary. But Goth kids are so cute its sad. I have a problem sometimes distinguishing between Goth kids and Emo kids. Emo kids relish unhappiness for the sake of unhappiness while Goth kids relish unhappiness for the sake of the dark forces of the Underworld. Which brings me to Kyle.

I don't know if this is his real name or not. I saw him at Enfuego 2 years ago (En Fuego is an outdoor Christian music event that is held in Verbena AL. It is held around the last Saturday in August. Which means heat usually. Last year a tropical storm blew through and it was cold and rainy.) Kyle couldn't have been more than 105 lbs soaking wet. He had on the large, black, baggy pants with about 80lbs of buckles and zippers complete with Frankenstien boots. His hair was blacker than a tortured night in the Abyss and pointing to every direction on the compass His glasses were standard Lens-Crafters. What topped this outfit off was the long black cape with a black fur collar. I think he was with his girlfriend who couldn't have been more than 208lbs soaking wet and what I assume was her family. Thy looked something like this:

I wonder what the conversation was like on the ride home. I am sure that Kyle and the girl's father had a lot to talk about what with Dad's interest in all things drywall and Kyle's unshakable belief that all ends in darkness.

If I hadn't been concerned with my own mortality in the intense heat I would have worried about Kyle. You could see the heat coming off him in waves. Had he asked his father Azriel why he had forsook him in his hour of need on this day Azriel would have told Kyle that it was too freaking hot to wear a cape.

PS. If you get a chance to see the "Goth Show" skits from Saturday Night Live please do. It is from the mid and late 90's. Can't find it. Darn Hulu and YouTube.

The Running of the Bull

Just read that someone died at the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona Spain. Here is where I get a little insensitive. Do you really feel sorry for the guy? I for one do not.

I have something in common with the bulls that are running in Spain. We both have a disdain for fancy men in white shirts and pants while accesorizing with a red sash. One big difference is I don't have big horns on my head and 1200 lb body to punish these fancy little people.

Who's Bad?

Since I last blogged people have been dying. Well celebrity people anyway. They usually come in threes but in the past two weeks we have had four go. I think this is the order in which they went. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcette, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays. (On a side note: My son Billy Knows Billy Mays. You should stroll over to Jamie’s Rabbits and see the little guest blog I put up about my son the things people try to sell him on TV. I think he would make a terrific pitch man. I think Billy Mays could sell Oxy-Clean to God don’t you?)

I could not believe that Michael Jackson died. For the past 7 or 8 years Michael Jackson has been a punch line. I had forgotten how bad he was back in the day.

The only vinyl album I ever bought was Thriller. I was able to buy it because I got money for making good grades in the fourth grade (which was the last time I got good grades across the board). To celebrate all A’s on my report card my mom took me to Showbiz Pizza in Midfield. They had the animalatronic band on the stage playing music while you ate pizza. Today Chucky Cheese may be all the rage but for me it will always be Showbiz Pizza. My favorite band member was the big, fat, and blue gorilla that played the piano. Awesome. Any way we left Showbiz and walked a few stores up to the record store and I bought Thriller with my hard earned money. I was convinced that Michael Jackson was the coolest man on the planet. And I was right.

This weekend I have been able to watch a lot of TV and I keep going to VH1. They are showing a lot of tributes to the King of Pop. Kara and I were watching the video to Billy Jean. Kara mentioned the outfit he was wearing. Pink shirt with a pink bow tie and black leather pants and jacket that were too short. She commented how ridiculous that get up was. I agreed and then we both agreed that it was cool. It is still cool.

For the past 7 or 8 years we have forgotten just how talented Michael Jackson was. This past season of American Idol featured songs from the Michael Jackson songbook. Those songs are still awesome.

So here’s to you Michael Jackson.
The age old question has had an answer for some time now.

Who’s bad?
You are Michael Jackson.
You are.

He Be Illin'.

Kim Jong Ill. Sweet Lord what a crazy little woman he is turning out to be. But this is not about him. He is acting exactly as he should. Crazy is as crazy does.

I was watching the news this past weekend as Obama was going around apologizing to the Muslim world for their perception of America. As he is doing this North Korea is testing missiles that can carry a nuclear payload to America. One of the milque toast reporters reported that Obama had just issued his strongest statement yet on the rising tensions. (Note: Quote may not be exact but it is close enough for government work.)

"The actions of the North Koreans over the past few months have been provocative."

What!!. This is a strongly worded statement? Adam Lambert's outfit while he was singing with Kiss on the finale of American Idol was provocative. A crazy little old man in Harrey Carrey glasses with his finger on the button of an atomic bomb is not provocative. It's scary.

Whatever you think of George Bush you have to admit he handed down some pretty strong statements. Axis of Evil. Over the top? Sure. Strongly worded? Absolutely.

I would hope that any nation (not talking about terrorists and militant groups) that has something to lose by being stupid would know they cannot win this type of war with us. I would hope our diplomats are telling their diplomats that if they so much as poke a missile with a nuke on it east we will turn their miserable little rock into a ditch between China and the 38th parallel thus creating the island nation of Korea.

Quick question. Wasn't everybody supposed to be our friend when Obama was elected? Weren't there people in other countries dancing in the street? Just asking.

It takes guts to get old

Baby got back. More specifically, baby (me) got a hurt back. I would love to say I hurt it dominating in the sport I love. Or pulling a baby from a burning house. Or anything else than the way I hurt it.

I don't really know how I did it. The trouble started Memorial Day. I honored our fallen vets by doing absolutely nothing all day long. The next Tuesday my left leg was hurting and it has hurt ever since.

My dad once said, "It takes guts to get old." This coming from a man who pulled a piece of glass out of his elbow that had been their for 50+ years. He has a little jar where he keeps foreign (and American) objects he has pulled out of his body. His leg fell off 4 years ago. He is currently trying to his boat up the Hudson River from New York to Detroit. All that so say this. He is right.

When I was younger I usually had given myself cause to hurt. Now I hurt because I am awake.

Tanning

Romeo. Bjorn.

I am part of a persecuted minority. My good friend (and token lib friend) Jamie would disagree greatly with me on this seeing as how I am a WASP male. I'm as WASP'y as you can get most likely. Here is the thing.

I am white. Not only in the way we have classified race in the world we live in but quite literally white. Actually I'm alternating between dark red and white at the moment. I was not made for the sun. I was made for the darkness and the mountains. But that is another topic for another day.


Most of my life I have felt the pressure to be darker. I remember going to the beach for the first time and playing on the white sand beaches of Gulf Shores in my big floppy hat (because that is how I rolled even then). Two tan people walked by and commented on my whiteness like I could not hear. Apparently pale children do not have the capacity to hear or feel.


"Did you see how white that kid was?"


From that moment on I hated my skin color. I would see all of the people I grew up with playing in the sun and turning a golden tan while I playing in the sun and turned a deep tomato followed by days of peeling my skin off like little pieces of Joseph-Jerky followed by a few more freckles and no change in skin color.


I have a theory why tan people make fun of pale people. It has to do with Vikings. Yes Vikings. Somewhere in their tan subconscious they remember the Vikings. The Vikings sailed down from the north when the ice broke up enough to get out of the fjords and terrorized the pretty people of the south. These pale men with their big beards and bigger axes looked at the pretty people of southern Europe and despised them for their warmth and melanin. They boiled out of those long boats like a wave of pale justice. Why you may ask? I think they originally came peacefully but one of the tan people (let's call him Romeo) asked one of the pale people (let's call him Bjorn) why they were so white. And we all know how he said it (just a little condescending). Bjorn heard the tone of voice and takes his axe and splits Romeo's head open like a tan melon. And so the carnage began.


Here is one of the truths about tanning. In the long run it makes you look like a piece of shoe-leather.
Here is how it should be. Tan people: Quit looking down your tan little nose at the significant portion of the population that cannot tan. They may be carrying an axe.

Graduation.

I have been to two graduations this year. If you have been to one high school graduation you have been to them all. Here are some pointers for those who would listen about how to spice things up and make things less boring.

1. Hire a bonafide Master of Ceremonies. A Tom Bergeron type that would keep things moving with witty jokes and tasteful asides. Break up the monotony by showing people getting hit in the crotch by kids swinging at pinatas. And for the love of all that is holy keep the principal away from the mic. They may put the "pal" in principal but they should never speak in public. Ever.




2. Sure let the Valedictorians and Salutatorians speak. They have earned the right to bore everyone to tears because they are so smart. But also let one of the stoners have about 4 minutes to say what high school meant to him. Let the guy who finished last in the class provide a fitting bookend to the egg head at the head of the class. Let the class pick one person they would like to give a speech.






3. Let the Happy Hands Club give a presentation.

4. Instead of speeches let the smart ones do a dance.







5. When you are reading out the list of people who have gotten scholarships try to be a little more sensitive. For example: One girl last night got several scholarship offers from really good schools (Georgetown being the one I remember) totalling over $200,000. The next girl they called out got $250 from the Masons because her grandfather was the Grand Poobah of the lodge or something like that.

6. Avoid cliches.
-These were the best days of our lives. Maybe for you but other people sitting behind you spent a lot of time dreading coming to school and would like nothing better than to see the school and everyone in it swallowed up by a deep, burning hole straight from hell.
-The world is ours for the taking. Maybe, but probably not. The most likely scenario is the world is going to leave more tire treads on you than you are going to leave on it.
-We have a unique opportunity to change the world. This would be true if there weren't millions of other students with the same opportunity at this exact moment.
-The class of 2009 will always be remembered. Nope. Probably not. They don't remember the class of 1992 and they won't remember the class of 2009. Unless you were the class that caught the school on fire and ran a Meth ring. Or cured cancer.

7. Don't tell people not to applaud until everyone has received their diploma. No one will listen to you because you can't suspend them or give them detention.

8. If you are a student and you have to give a speech make sure you don't sound like any of these people.




One of these guys would be a lot funnier.



There are probably other things that could spruce things up a bit. What do you think?

Worst Band Ever.

This could have been my first band. Except they have instruments. And place to play. Our drummer would play cardboard boxes. And he was awesome then. None of the guitar players had guitars. I had a Casio Keyboard and was the only one who knew anything about music. And we were better than this. At least Bubba could sing.



For those of you that don't know this is The Final Countdown by Europe. The following is what it is supposed to sound like.



Very many special thanks to my brother in law Kevin. I think this may have actually been his first band. On second thought no. They were better than this.

Arise Oh Sluggard.

How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep? (Proverbs 6:9)

Good question. Apparently as long as possible.

Yesterday for Memorial Day I celebrated the freedom purchased for me by the blood of American soldiers by doing nothing. And by nothing I mean nothing. Here is a list of things I did yesterday.

1. Wake up @ 8:30 AM.
2. Get out of bed at 9:00 AM because Phineas and Ferb came on. "Oh, there you are Perry!"
3. Eat cake for lunch. Dessert was chocolate pie.
4. Although I am unsure of how many times I went to the bathroom and I pretty I did.
5. Play World of Warcraft.
6. Watch TV. Lots of Spongebob Squarepants and Phineas and Ferb.
7. Ate some more.
8. Fell asleep on the recliner to the sounds of Phineas and Ferb.
9. Played World of Warcraft
10. Went to bed.

The funny thing about lazy days such as I had yesterday. They make you want more. I can see how "sluggardness" could be addicting.

And my back hurts.

Music of your youth.

I have a theory. Well I have more than one. But only one I will postulate here for your perusal.

"If the music you liked when you were young was good music you will like it when you are older. If the music was more about style and attitude than music then you will not like it near as much when you are older." (by older I mean once the frontal lobe in your brain pan developes sometime in your early 20's)

This theory is born out of my own personal experience.

Huey Lewis and the News. This was my favorite band growing up. Was hooked when I bought Sports. This was the first album I bought with my own money. Great songs include The Heart of Rock and Roll, Bad is Bad, I Want a New Drug, Doing It All for My Baby, Naturally, Jacob's Ladder, and of course The Power of Love from the Back to the Future soundtrack. Their concert in Birmingham in 1987 was my first rock concert. I still like this band because the music was quality. The video below was from that tour. I was in 7th grade.






Now that music is as good today as it was then. If you disagree you are probably one of those people that think the White Stripes is the best band of the planet.

There were other bands I liked way back then. Most notably hair metal. I still like it but it is more about nostalgia for a simpler time and not for much music.

What bands did you like? Which ones are embarrassing now?

Celebrities.

You can thank Chris Barnette for this post.

What is it about certain celebrities that makes them think the rest of the world should care what they think. And why is it that only liberals fall under this delusion. I am trying to think of a conservative celebrity who is like this and am drawing a blank. I am not saying they are not out there I just can't think of one. If you know of one who is like some of the people below let me know.

There are people not considered for this list because it is their job to give their opinions.

-Comedians: Chris Rock, Dennis Miller, George Carlin, Bill Maher (I thought funny was supposed to be one of those resume qualifications to be a comedian.)

-Talk show hosts: Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, any and all of the people who have ever hosted The View (with one really noticable exception), John Stewart, Stephen Colbert.

-Oprah.

This list (while not actually a list it is a group of pictures which is taking the place of an actual list) is strictly for people that are not paid for their opinions: actors, musicians, and Gary Busey.

You know why the enonomy is so bad? Global warming.

Global warming. Are things getting warmer? Sure. Winters used to be a lot colder around here. So do I believe in global warming? Yes. The earth is getting warmer. Do I believe it is the fault of all things combustible (cars, power plants, cow flatulence)? I don't know. But I am skeptical.

I remember 16 years ago when I started college. Scientists and activists were crying to all who would listen that within 10 years we would all be underwater. Global warming was happening that fast. Seems to me the same people are crying the same game and predicting that in 10 years...you know.

Do we need to start taking steps to more Eco-friendly transportation? Absolutely. Do we need to take drastic steps that could further cripple our economy, put people out of work, and saddle me with the burden of keeping up with carbon credits? I don't think so.

(Aside: Whatever position Al Gore takes I take the opposite. Seems like a good rule of thumb.)

Joke of the day

What did Al Gore do with all of his carbon credits?
He battered them, fried them, dipped them in lard and ate them. With yeast rolls.




The science behind this seems too political. There are too many agendas and not enough facts. Take a deep breath. Frankie says "Relax". And just in case stock up on sunscreen and life boats.

I am not a teenage girl. Normally.

I have not missed an episode of American Idol this season (love my DVR). One of the things I always find myself doing is voting pulling for either the fat guy or an ugly person (since I just happen to be both I think that fat, ugly people ought to band together and fight back against the unrealistic expectations of beauty and body type).



That being said my favorite for much of the season is the one guy who would most likely look the part if he were in a boy band, Kris Allen (even if he spells his name with a K). I like that he plays the guitar. I like that he does not oversing the song. As for the other dudes. They can sing.

Danny Gokey has a voice that I would listen to. I doubt I could listen to a whole album because his voice after a while makes me tired.







Adam Lambert is the best singer of the bunch. But just because you can hit all those notes doesn't mean you should every time you sing. And the way he sang One last night made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. He would have been well served just singing the song and letting the melody do its thing. And what he did to Ring of Fire several weeks ago made me want to throw something at the TV.



So I am going to pull for the pretty little one as opposed to the guy whose wife died and the dude who wears guy-liner. And I'm sure you all care.