Hey big guy, you through with that plate?

I am fat.

There.

I said it.

I know it.  My friends know it.
The skinny waiter at Olive Garden knows it.
He's the one that called me big guy.  I would have kicked his butt if I weren't out of breath and not out of food. 

I can remember telling my father I would never be as fat as he was.  Well I am.  And I don't drink beer.  They say a beer is like a loaf of bread.  I don't know about that but I have probably had a six pack this week. 

I am fat.

I injured myself trying to put on my boots the other day.  For the past several years I have either worn shoes without laces.  Or taken the laces out of the shoes.  Or worn flip-flops.  Flip-flops are no longer an option because there are low land gorillas with prettier feet than mine. 

I am fat.
How fat are you?

So fat that soon my self-deprecating humor might turn into self-defecating humor.

So fat that people at work ask when the baby is due.  Favorite answer:  20 minutes.

So fat when I sleep on my stomach my knees don't touch the bed.

So fat that if I keep up the pace I'm on I will have to be twelve feet tall to be my ideal weight.

So fat that if I keep up this pace I will be dead before I'm 60.

I have high blood pressure.  High cholesterol.  Bad knees.  Heartburn all the time.

I am fat.
So I begin the process of losing this weight that is killing me. 
I hear crystal meth is a sure way to lose weight in a hurry.

Shovel vs. Hammer. Which is Funnier?

I was thinking about this the other day.  I Tweeted the original question that came to my mind here.  (You should follow me.)  Here is the question as it appeared on my Tweet.
Why is someone getting hit in the face with a shovel intrinsicly funnier than some getting hit in the face with a hammer? Still in the face.

For some reason I pictured someone getting hit in the face with a shovel immediately followed by that same person getting hit in the face with a hammer.  For some reason the image with the shovel made me do a mental giggle while the hammer made me cringe.  Two questions quickly formed in my mind.

1.  Why is a shovel funnier than a hammer?
2.  What kind of person would even think of this?

I was able to come to two reasons as to why a shovel smacking a face is funnier than a hammer.

The first is the sound.  A shovel smacking a face or head would make a SHPONK! or SHPOINK!  Either of these two sounds is infinitely funnier than the splatty thud sound (SHPLUD!?) a hammer would make when striking a face or head.

The second is who would use said shovel or hammer.  I can easily picture Moe Howard striking either of the other two stooges with a shovel with great comedic effect.

 

Not so with the hammer.  The hammer is the weapon of Jason, Michael Myers, or someone from a Tarantino or Cohen Brothers film.

Now that I have managed to suck some of the fun out of a good shovel smacking by breaking it down for you I wish you a Happy New Year.

Several people have commented they have missed my ramblings.  Does it say something that this is the first thing I thought to blog about in nearly 3 months?  The on the field success of the Awbun Tigers has managed to bleed joy out of me.  That might be an explanation.  Either way I hope you have enjoyed this little ramble.