Guest Posting Tomorrow

Hello,

Go to this blog and see the one I am going to guest on tomorrow.

Do it now or one of Cam Newton's teeth falls out.

Guest Posted Today.

Hello all,

I am just letting all of you know that I guest posted over on Jamie Golden's site.  Click here and go there.  You will find that both links take you to the same place which should show you all just how witty I am.

Go there now or God kills a kitten.

Joseph

PS. Have you ever noticed that Dwight Yokum looks like Ron Howard's brother?

Have a great Tuesday.



Notes to my 16 year old self.

I read a post by Jamie Golden today over on her blog.  It is a really good and well thought out blog.  I knew her when she was 17 and wore big hats.  I left part of the following list as a comment.  It is not as good and not nearly as thought out but it was what came to mind when she invited all who read her blog to think about what to say to their own 16 year old selves.

16 year old Joseph was neither as cool as he thought he was on his best day or as stupid as he thought he was on his worst day.  16 year old Joseph was just that.  16 years old.  I have yet to meet a wise 16 year old.  There is a reason they are not allowed to vote.  Come to think of it I don't think I want to meet a wise 16 year old.  Without further adieu here is a letter I would like to send back in time to 16 year old Joseph Kinnaird.

Dude,

You will still be dude when you are 37.  It will always be one of the most expressive words in the English language.

There are some things you need to know about the you you will be in 2011.  Some of it you called well ahead of time.  Some of it you never saw coming.

You totally married a hot red head.  You have a son named Joseph William Kinnaird III.  You also have a son named James Robert Kinnaird.  Had you gotten your way he would have been named William Wallace Kinnaird.  You can grow a beard like no body's business.  You are a musician.  Not in a hair metal band (Nirvana killed hair metal in 1992).  You play bass in a funky little group called Crowe.  You also play the organ at a church.  You do not believe me and that's OK.  Here is some advice the 37 year old version of you would like to give you.

1. The older you get the more you will look like your father.


2. Send out more invitations to your graduation. Go the the Bessemer Baptist Association and get lists of all the churches there where the median age is 65. Send invitations there. There are only 2 instances in your life where people will be willing to give you money like this. The other is a wedding. The difference being you get to spend all of the graduation money on you and the things you think are important as an 18 year old.

3. Ask more girls on dates. The worst thing they can do is say no.

4. Remember this: Unless it is a felony there is no permanent record.

5. Always trust that inner voice that says, "Someone called the cops and they are on their way."

6. Cut the mullet. Right now. The only way it would look cool is if you were Hispanic or Asian. You are Scottish.

7. Treat everyone the way you want to be treated. If you don't you will feel like a turd forever.

8. Treasure the friends you have right now. You will never have friends like that again.

9. Use conditioner. After you cut the mullet.

10. Remember that dude who made your life a living hell when you were 15. Punch him in the face. Right now. But make it count because he is probably going to kick the taste out of your mouth.

11. Quit smoking.

12. Do not pine after women who date a guy because they have a cool car. They are not all that interesting.

13. After you get the taste back in your mouth punch that dude again.

14. These are some of the people you are going to miss 21 years later: Mrs. Terry, Granny, Dale, and Mother. Make the most of every moment you have with these people.

15. Pull the fire alarm.

16. Go out for football.

17. Learn more Bruce Hornsby songs on the piano while it is still easy to learn.
 
18. Befriend the friendless.  Defend the defenseless.  Love the unlovable.
 
19. Don't be such an insufferable little snot to your teachers.  Karma is a cruel wheel we all spin on.  You will most certainly reap what you sow one day. 
 
20. Don't be so resistant to the concept of grace. Either the grace you show others or the grace you allow others to show you and especially the grace God has in store for you. You can't earn it. There is no brownie point system. Just accept that He loves you and sent his Son to die for you not because you deserve it but simply because He loves you. It is a gift freely given, not a reward.


There is so much more but the mistakes you will make are what makes you the man you'll be when you're 37.  And 37 year old Joseph is blessed beyond measure.

Signed,

37 year old Joseph.

What have I been up to lately?

It has been a awhile since I have shot a blog out there.  Twitter might be a little to blame.  I have been getting some random thoughts out 140 characters at a time.  Beautiful economy of language.  The following are a list of things that have changed or am working on in my life at the moment.

Don't Stop Belizing:  I and 10 of the coolest people I know are taking a trip to Belize to work in the Stan Creek region.  We will be doing some hard labor.  Pouring a foundation for a building and laying concrete block.  There is a time when I would have blown through that work like a trooper.  I now wonder if this work isn't going to kill me.  We leave June 11 and won't be back until June 18.  Please pray that we show love for one another and I don't get a bad case of the grumps.

I grew a beard as a visible sign of the fundraising progress we have made.  It was epic.  It stood outside of most conversation judging them and finding them lacking.  It was that righteous.  It looked like this at the very end.

This is the look I wish I could have kept for a while.  I could have driven around in a van and scared young children.  I think people who look like this should on a watch list of some type.

I think the next one would have been perfect if I could have been a state trooper.  And wear super short shorts.  You know the kind that are short enough for people to see you pockets sticking out of the bottoms of them.  Or I could have played bass for Blue Oyster Cult.

Sadly this is the first real look I had gotten of my face in many years and I know exactly why I had hair growing on it in the first place.



I eventually cleaned up enough to look sort of like the guy Kara married 12 years ago.  She thinks this guy is hot.  And who am I to disagree.  Travel the world and the seven seas.  Everybody is looking for something.

I still have beautiful children.  They stink like boys most of the time and they love like brothers and they fight like brothers.  But they are how I will reach out into eternity.

I have also recently purchased an iPhone.  The 4 no less.  I was told it would change my life.  And it has.  I will now text while having a real conversation with a present person.  I am now that which might be the fall of interpersonal communication as we know it.  I refuse to have a fight via text message.  These are like arguing with a 4 year old.  No one wins.  Fighting and arguing should be things reserved for times when vocal inflection and mean looks are available. 

My cat died back in January.  That coupled with the fact that Auburn won a national championship made January a month that sucked pretty hard.  Kara actually had to take Cat to the vet and have her put down.  I had to leave work early because there is no crying at Bagby Elevator only gnashing teeth and the joy of driving your enemies before you and hearing the lamentations of their women.  Joseph the Barbarian could not be seen crying about a cat.  Even though he had that cat for 15 years.

This is kind of what it felt like for that cat to die for me.  I will never own another animal that I will outlive.

I have been working through a series in the book if 1 John.  A truth I gleamed from this is you can't walk in sin (deliberate, willful, acts of sin) and walk in and with God.  There is not peace to be found in this straddling of paths.  Only more apathy.  Too often we try and do just enough to please God and see how close we can get to the other line to satisfy the cravings person that lives within you. 

You can find peace in the love God has for those He calls His children. I am struggling now to find that peace.  I am struggling to walk a path that is not about getting as close to the edge as possible.  When I live like this I miss the point by  a country mile.  God is there for me when I am there in a relationship with him.  The same can be said for you. 

I am also reading a book.  Quitter by Jon Acuff.  Essentially he is inviting people in a very practical way to bridge the gap between their day job and their dream job.  I usually loathe self help books.  I also detest books on leadership that attempt to quantify leadership in 21 irrefutable laws.  Acuff does not come across as smug or arrogant.  He doesn't think he has most of the answers but he does ask some really good questions that ring in my heart as good questions I am allowed to answer.  I will tell you have the journey with book goes.

I am also finely honing a statement that will my Calvinists heads explode in righteous rage because the ones I am hearing really need to take themselves more seriously.  Here is the rough draft of said statement.

"The best systematic theologies are at best good guesses at something that rebuffs our guesses." Joseph Kinnaird.

Until the next time we meet may the bluebirds fly and do what bluebirds do.

Joseph Kinnaird

Beard Update.

I still have one.  And sweet sassy molassee is it big.

I thought I might dedicate a post to the cultivating and growing of it.  Some of you may think it is cool.  Some gross.  It all depends on your view of such things I guess.  Wait for it.

This was a far less hairy time in my life.  This was actually last May.  I was praying.  For wisdom.

I really like this picture.  I am doing what I love doing most in this world.  Answering a question posed by Debbie Marshall on a trip to a place I have never been. 

This is me doing what I loathe most in this world.  Chicks dig a guy in combat boots, short shorts, and a ferret growing on his face.

This is relatively early in the fund-raising beard.  My head is still relatively proportional to my shoulders.  Proportion is for sissies.

This is a picture that showed up at Jamie Golden's blog.  She will judge every other man she meets by this standard.  And they will be found lacking.

This was a beard I grew right before Billy was born.  I was 30 at the time.  Man I looked young.

Compared to this.  This is 37 year old father of two Joseph Kinnaird.  Notice the two stripes in the middle.  One is named Billy.  The other is James Robert.  This picture was taken 03/28/2011.  As of this date we are around $2200 short of our goal for the mission trip to Belize.

I wanted this shot to give me a proper perspective on how huge my head is.  Granted, Kara has a tiny head. 















She also pointed out that I look like an orangataun.  Like Clyde from Any Which Way You Can.

Beard

For those of you who don't know I have let my beard grow out a little bit.

My beard is now officially something that little kids will stare at.  Strangely enough not many of them are terribly frightened by it.

I am beginning to grow weary of people asking me why it is so long.  I have lately been telling them I have taken a Nazarite vow and the beard is the source of my super-powers.  When they ask what those super-powers are I will narrow my eyes and tell them they should already know. 

Jamie had a suggestion also.  Give people an answer that might make them feel guilty.  Here are a few we thought would be cool.

"I'm covering the cancer."
"I've been letting it grow since my mother was killed by a pack of dogs."

Those were the worst.

For those of you that don't know I am letting my beard grow as a fundraiser.  Westwood Baptist Church is sending a group to Belize this June 11-18.  I have made a vow that I will not cut or shave my beard until we have raised $8,000.00.  So it is sort of like a vow.

It took Tom Hanks 1 year to grow that beard.  It took me 5 months to cultivate that work of art above.  Sissy.

Hey big guy, you through with that plate?

I am fat.

There.

I said it.

I know it.  My friends know it.
The skinny waiter at Olive Garden knows it.
He's the one that called me big guy.  I would have kicked his butt if I weren't out of breath and not out of food. 

I can remember telling my father I would never be as fat as he was.  Well I am.  And I don't drink beer.  They say a beer is like a loaf of bread.  I don't know about that but I have probably had a six pack this week. 

I am fat.

I injured myself trying to put on my boots the other day.  For the past several years I have either worn shoes without laces.  Or taken the laces out of the shoes.  Or worn flip-flops.  Flip-flops are no longer an option because there are low land gorillas with prettier feet than mine. 

I am fat.
How fat are you?

So fat that soon my self-deprecating humor might turn into self-defecating humor.

So fat that people at work ask when the baby is due.  Favorite answer:  20 minutes.

So fat when I sleep on my stomach my knees don't touch the bed.

So fat that if I keep up the pace I'm on I will have to be twelve feet tall to be my ideal weight.

So fat that if I keep up this pace I will be dead before I'm 60.

I have high blood pressure.  High cholesterol.  Bad knees.  Heartburn all the time.

I am fat.
So I begin the process of losing this weight that is killing me. 
I hear crystal meth is a sure way to lose weight in a hurry.

Shovel vs. Hammer. Which is Funnier?

I was thinking about this the other day.  I Tweeted the original question that came to my mind here.  (You should follow me.)  Here is the question as it appeared on my Tweet.
Why is someone getting hit in the face with a shovel intrinsicly funnier than some getting hit in the face with a hammer? Still in the face.

For some reason I pictured someone getting hit in the face with a shovel immediately followed by that same person getting hit in the face with a hammer.  For some reason the image with the shovel made me do a mental giggle while the hammer made me cringe.  Two questions quickly formed in my mind.

1.  Why is a shovel funnier than a hammer?
2.  What kind of person would even think of this?

I was able to come to two reasons as to why a shovel smacking a face is funnier than a hammer.

The first is the sound.  A shovel smacking a face or head would make a SHPONK! or SHPOINK!  Either of these two sounds is infinitely funnier than the splatty thud sound (SHPLUD!?) a hammer would make when striking a face or head.

The second is who would use said shovel or hammer.  I can easily picture Moe Howard striking either of the other two stooges with a shovel with great comedic effect.

 

Not so with the hammer.  The hammer is the weapon of Jason, Michael Myers, or someone from a Tarantino or Cohen Brothers film.

Now that I have managed to suck some of the fun out of a good shovel smacking by breaking it down for you I wish you a Happy New Year.

Several people have commented they have missed my ramblings.  Does it say something that this is the first thing I thought to blog about in nearly 3 months?  The on the field success of the Awbun Tigers has managed to bleed joy out of me.  That might be an explanation.  Either way I hope you have enjoyed this little ramble.